College Majors That Don’t Exist (But We Wish They Did)

The real "Joe College"

“You know, lots of people go to college for eight years.”

“I know. They’re called doctors.”

~Chris Farley and David Spade in Tommy Boy

Aaaahhhh…I see it’s happened again…a moronic Yahoo so-called “news” story has inspired me to be sarcastic and take no prisoners. Today’s victim of the day is? College.

That’s right. I said the C-word. I’ve been gone for almost sever years and the only way I’ll go back is dragged by wild hyenas high on meth.

College, to my Aspie way of thinking, is the biggest legalized Ponzi scheme there is. Where else can you go and dump a few hundred grand, the prime years of your life, only to come out a few hundred grand in debt, fighting tooth and nail with other schlubs just like you for a job that maybe pays $30-40K to start?

I hated college. Just about every minute of it. Anyone who knows me will tell you this. Of course, at the time, I didn’t know anything about Asperger syndrome, and was thus fighting an uphill battle. I had no idea that “reasonable accommodations” could be made. Had I known, it might have made things a lot more tolerable. As it was, I felt like I was making an extremely low-budget, one-woman remake of The Matrix.

College Bureaucrat #1: Miss F., we see you’ve been a very bad little student. We have to make certain changes

Me: No! Freedom forevah! Respect MAH authoriteh!!!

I’ve gotten very little out of my college degree. Once in a while, an NT, in the context of being nice, will ask me about my major. It usually goes something like this.

Nice NT: So, you majored in (major deleted). Why did you choose that major?

Me: (pretending to think hard) Well, because they didn’t have a Soldier of Fortune major.

Nice NT: (confused) Oh. Lovely weather we’re having, don’t you think?

In the spirit of that discussion, I would like to offer my list of majors that colleges should offer, yet don’t. If any college deans read this, maybe you should take the hint…more money for your Ponzi scheme.

Witchcraft and Wizardry


Turn to page 394...respect mah authoriteh, Pottah!

Before you laugh, think of all the fakey fortune tellers, tarot card readers, “paranormal investigators” out there. Wouldn’t it be a lot better if they actually got a degree? Separate the wheat from the chaff, as it were. And when you come to think of it, is there any less legitimacy to what these people do than an “aural cleanser,” “pet therapist” or alternative medicine practitioner? Maybe they could also give Harry Dresden his own category in the Yellow Pages. I’d sign up as long as Snape were teaching.


The *other* John Locke

 This one is a lot more practical. In the event of a worldwide collapse, apocalyptic event, and/or killer plague, wouldn’t you rather have one of these around instead of, say, a Sociology or Early Childhood Development major? They learn how to create a fire from nothing, 100 different culinary uses for locusts, food storage and preservation, knife throwing…and the handbook is that awesome book whose cover is waterproof. Sign me up, and let me know when the end of the world comes so I can produce my buffalo-hide diploma.

Real-World Psychology (aka Confidence Man 101)

I've got a great bridge I'd like to sell ya in Brooklyn...

According to the Yahoo! News story, psychology majors are the least satisfied of all college majors. This isn’t surprising, considering they study in theory out of books that were probably written 30 years ago. I think there’s a viable alternative, which is Real-World Psychology. Read some Augusten Burroughs, do some field studies…and discover what a sorry lot most of humanity really is. It’s also a great chance to teach students how not to fall for the many cons of this world, like time-shares, credit cards, political ads, and We Buy Gold shops. The only way to be able to beat a con artist is to think like one.

Subversive Creative Arts

Don't have a virtual cow, man.

Want to really connect with all the “hard to reach,” “quirky” kids? Channel their creative energy into Photoshop, Youtube, blogs, Facebook. There is money to be made out there, and in very legal ways. This is also the next great frontier in advertising.  Stop limiting their creativity and stop trying to define what “is” or “isn’t” art. Just don’t let them vandalize anything…there is a limit.

Arcane Combat

I am the Knight who says "Patella"

And on the flip side, what about all the kids who fight all the time? I’ve long been a proponent of teaching martial arts in schools as a way to instill discipline, self-confidence, and a sense of purpose. Take all the “troublemaker” kids, teach them archery, hand-to-hand, swordsmanship, horsemanship, and tactics, and you’ve not only got an interested group of kids, you’ve got a group of kids with a sense of camraderie and team spirit. And they could no doubt kick the asses of the pampered varsity athletes.

Chuck Norris 101/Mr. Tology

I love you, man...I mean, Fool!

Let’s face it. America needs these two men, now more than ever. Haven’t we had enough metro-boys majoring in theatre, sociology, home economics? I pity the fool who don’t wanna major in Chuck Norris and Mr T.

Aspergian Studies

Just because…and just because we could rule the world, but we choose not to. Mwahahahaha (can be taken with a minor in World Domination/Supervillainry.)

Got comments? I’d love to hear ’em…drop me a line at!

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on October 13, 2010.

One Response to “College Majors That Don’t Exist (But We Wish They Did)”

  1. I think perhaps you pulled the Taco Bell prank so that today I would read this and literally laugh out loud as my eyes welled with tears from cracking up. Of course, I would not have been amused by a similar scenario at you-know-where, but that is beside the point. You. cracked. me. up. Thanks. 😉

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