If Real Life Were Like Star Wars…

Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing.” ~Master Yoda, Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Why Star Wars was such a big hit in Arkansas

A few weeks ago I wrote a short piece about how I wished there were college courses available in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Hardcore Survival, Chuck Norris 101. The one thing I neglected to mention was how cool it would be to actually attend a real-life version of the Jedi Temple.

I’m not as much a SW geek as I used to be…but that’s a bit like Lindsay Lohan saying she’s not as much an addict as she used to be. I’m still more SW-fied than most average fans, and I can quote the entire saga verbatim with the proper accents and stage directions.  It’s not as fanatical a devotion as, say, The A-Team is, but I’ll admit I wouldn’t mind living in that galaxy far, far away. Some of the reasons why:

Hey, there was an immaculate conception involved...

* It would be perfectly acceptable to say things likeWhat is thy bidding, my master?” without getting laughed at.

* If you had a quarrel with someone, there would be bounty hunters with cool-looking helmets ready and willing to take care of the problem for you.

The kind of rom-com I'd go see


* The insults would be so much cooler (forget about those Shakespearean insults; who needs those when you can sling a word like ‘nerfherder’ around?)

* Vehicles could be modified with blasters in convenient places and smugglers’ compartments.

* The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, the Super Bowl, and the Academy Awards would all be held on Coruscant.

* People would be able to understand what their dogs were saying.

* Smart phones would be really smart…and equipped with a portable lightsaber.

* We wouldn’t need Predator drones to win the war in Afghanistan. We’d just send the Ewoks.

* Nobody would need to be molested by a TSA agent to get on an interstellar flight…there’d be stormtroopers for that.

* If you happened to be adopted, and were later reunited with your biological parents, they’d announce it by saying “I…am your father.”

* The acceptable answer to the words “I love you” would not be “I love you too,” but rather “I know.”

I wonder if Southwest charges for carry-on carbonite?

* One could get famous merely by saying six lines in three whole movies.

* People, judged by their size would not be.

 * Protocol droids would be able to interpret the damn instructions for the toaster for you…in English, Spanish and German.

 * It would be expected to say to someone after beating them in a friendly competition, “YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!!!”

 * Instead of merely announcing “Previously on (your favorite TV show),” they’d re-cap the action using the slow crawl method.

 * 80-year-old men would be able to fight little 800-year-old green guys without anyone batting an eye.

 * The one-glove look would be acceptable on people other than Michael Jackson.

* Whenever you went for your annual checkup and something was wrong, you could simply blame it on your midichlorians being out of whack instead of too much Taco Bell.

* At a loss for words, the phrase ‘something, something, something, DARK SIDE’ could be used with discretion.

May the Force be with you…and remember, HAN SHOT FIRST.

The sun will come out, tomorrow...


~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on December 1, 2010.

3 Responses to “If Real Life Were Like Star Wars…”

  1. i’d still be in teh desert…hydroponic farming…

  2. OMG woman, you had me rolling again! 🙂

  3. Heh,heh,heh, may the force be with you!

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


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