Stay Warm, Burn Your Skinny Jeans


This man will likely never father children.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.  ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.  ~Mark Twain

Like the proverbial homework-gobbling dog, WordPress decided to eat my nearly-done post yesterday, so I’m starting from scratch. I always hate to keep readers waiting for another exciting edition of P&Q. Today’s topic is fashion. Fashion is one gigantic Ponzi scheme. The de la Rentas and Wangs and Kleins of the world are counting on the fact that you, the average working Joe or Jane, wants to empty your checking account every six months or so in the name of “fashion” so you can be “hip.” Imagine if you did this with your car, your computer, your dog (though I imagine some do.) Fashion for fashion’s sake is idiotic and a colossal waste of money and resources. Can you really envision yourself going to work or your kid’s baseball game in one of those numbers from the Paris and Milan runways? If I did, I’m sure it would be assumed I’d managed an escape from my local inpatient mental health facility. I’d look like, to use a South Africanism, a larney idiot.

I’ve seen plenty of fashion trends come and go over the years. Hard as it is to believe, I’ve lived to tell the tales of legwarmers, denim shorts, Ugg boots, aviator sunglasses, and a plethora of other unfortunate fashion choices. I’m convinced that as our society continues its precipitous descent towards Idiocracy, fashion trends too become more and more ludicrous. (Imagine, if you will, a teenager from today hopping in a time machine to go back to her grandmother’s world of the 1930s or 1940s. She’d think she was on another planet.)

As my job requires me to interact with the public every day, I see a number of these truly ludicrous “fashions” up close and personal. Might I offer the following as sacrifices to appeal to the sartoiral pantheon?

Skinny Jeans

The latest in an unfortunate line of denim, these butt-, calf- and everything-else huggers must die. I don’t care if you’re as skinny as an anorexic crane or as fat as Jabba the Hutt let loose in Willy Wonka’s candy factory. Nobody looks good in them, and we don’t want to see the contours of your body that up close and personal unless we’re dating you. That especially applies to men who want to wear women’s pants. It’s not a good look…for you or anybody else. I’d almost rather have bell-bottoms come back.

Ironic Hipster Hats

Death to ironic hipsters

I could have said hipster anything here, but I chose hats for a reason. Seriously, when was the last time anybody, aside from baseball players or mob bosses, wore hats and got taken seriously? I especially dislike the “ironic” hats (ie a lumberjack hat worn by anyone outside Alaska or the Snow Belt, or a trucker hat on a sixteen-year-old rocker girl.) Crank up the Men Without Hats, ’cause I’ve had it with silly and unnecessary headwear.

Silly Bandz

Yes, they’re called “silly” for a reason

If you’re over the age of eight, it is NOT cute for you to wear children’s bracelets or jewelry. It’s actually borderline creepy. Sorry to disappoint you.

Women Wearing Words on Their Pants

Exhibit #487 why Al-Qaeda hates America

Have you ever noticed how most of the types who wear these pants are not sexy, juicy, bootylicios, ad nauseum? I don’t care if you’re the offspring of Johnny Depp and the Phoenician goddess of feminine beauty. I do not want to read your ass or have to defend you from Neanderthals who want to read your ass. End of story.

Pants on the Ground

Pull your pants up, fool!

Guys, did you think I was going to leave you out of the pants debate? I blame the rise of hip-hop culture for a lot of fugly fashion trends (ubiquitous tattoos, piercings, etc.) but none is so outrageous as the draggy pants trend. I seem to remember it really taking root when I was in high school. I secretly want to give an atomic wedgie to every male I see with his boxers flashing me like a fog beacon.

Impractical, Ugly Women’s Shoes

Secretly invented by the Gestapo in 1942

What it is with most women and shoes, I’ll never know, despite the fact that I am a woman. I stick to my tried-and-true Chuck Taylors and Doc Martens while others prance around in shooties, mules, kitten heels, and God only knows what else in every conceivable pattern. Shoes are made for walking, not for bizarre KGB-style S&M sessions. (I’m personally affronted by the Converse knee-high boots, but I don’t know why.)

Tube Tops

No visual is necessary here. These wretched things are like the flu…they just keep coming back again and again in a variety of strains.

T-Shirts With Cartoon Characters Doing Weird S**t

I tawt I taw a puddy tat, yo yo...

Tweety is a nice little cartoon canary. He’s not a drug dealer, pimp, member of your local street gang. This applies to all the Looney Tunes and Classic Disney characters, not to mention Popeye, Betty Boop, or any other animated person or animal. Leave my childhood memories alone.

Parachute Pants/Harem Pants/MC Hammer Pants

I'm a Jumpmaster in Dumbassery

Why, oh why, are so many fashion trends universally unflattering? I’m not sure even a real rapper or the Disney version of Aladdin looks good in these. On an average guy, I would assume he was either hopelessly stupid or hopelessly incontinent.

Animal Prints

She’s on safari…and she’s incontinent!

One of the meanest women I remember from my childhood had animal-print everything. Zebra-print purse, leopard-print coat, giraffe-print seat covers in the car. I detest animal prints to this day, but the look really isn’t good on anyone. (If dolphins ran the world, would they have human-print valises, I wonder?)

Whew. I just let out a lot of vitriol. Let me just close this post by saying that if you are a would-be fashionista and you want to impress me, stay classic and simple. Khakis and cargo pants, tasteful plaids, black-and-white Chuck Taylors, leather jackets, zip-front tops and sweaters, a nice skirt. All are winners in my book and have a permanent place in my closet.

Oh, and for all of you guys, I’ll let you get away with a sweater vest. I blame Wikus van de Merwe and Mike Ditka for this.

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on February 15, 2011.

6 Responses to “Stay Warm, Burn Your Skinny Jeans”

  1. […] Stay Warm, Burn Your Skinny Jeans « Prawn And Quartered […]

  2. […] clothes. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no … skinny clothes – Google Blog Search Should girls really wear skinny clothes? i dont get it why do girls wear clothes which are so […]

  3. How can you not like caps when our beloved Murdock almost always wears one?!?! Maybe he and only he should wear one, though!

  4. Forgot to say, though, that I agree with you on the high heel thing. The only possible reason I can see for wearing them is if one is extremely short and wants to be able to see over the head of someone else….but even then, I don’t think I would want to go through the torture of wearing high heels. I can barely walk without falling or tripping wearing flats, let alone those things!

  5. Funny stuff! You found the all time examples of Gen X for sure. Gen Y is working on their own dumbassery eh?

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