I Love The Smell of Rapture In The Morning (It Smells Like Hushpuppies)

May 21st is here and so am I. Although I’m not religious, I can hypothesize several scenarios as to why:

#1. I’m not enough of a True Believer to go “poof” and disappear. Therefore, I need to become more devout. I will do this, hopefully now that the True Believers are gone to wherever, by getting a better house, driving a better car, and eating some of the filet mignons that said True Believers will not be needing for Sunday dinner. Man does not live by bread alone, ya know. As an added bonus, I think it’ll make gas prices finally go down just in time for summer.

#2. I actually did go “poof” sometime in the wee hours, and it turns out heaven/purgatory/L. Ron Hubbard’s pad actually looks a lot like my own. Like the newly dead people ask in Beetlejuice, “What if this is heaven?” Then again, there wouldn’t be dust or old chicken bones in heaven.

#3. Maybe I’m in hell. I doubt this seriously, because, when I turned on the TV this morning, I could still receive programming other than old Cincinnati Bengals games and reruns of Full House. And Satan wasn’t hiding in my shower so far as I could tell.

#4. The Rapture has yet to come. I’m thinking this FamilyRadio guy may be secretly dyslexic. Because if you switch around the 1 and the 2 of May 21st, you actually get “12,” as in “2012.” Which means I have another year to hypothetically visit South Africa, try escargot, and set a Guinness world record in something. Everybody else thinks the world is going to end next year, so I’m sticking with the odds.

#5. It’s Mr. T’s birthday, and I pity the fool, even the heavenly fool, who messes with that special occasion (T, it turns out, is a devout Christian). So, the date is a few days off.

#6. None of this is actually happening anyway because we’re all in purgatory anyway the way those poor saps were on Lost. And nobody has had the good sense to kill the smoke monster yet.

#7. God wants to see the end of the Mavericks-Thunder and Sharks-Canucks conference finals before he makes 144,000 people disappear.

#8. If the guy really knew what he were talking about, he’d have spent $144,000 and not $140,000 promoting the End of the World (I mean, what a cheapskate.)

#9. Nobody found any T-shirts or cute coffee mugs in bin Laden’s compound with the slogan “It’s Nearly The End of the World, And I Feel Fine.”

#10. People are generally hysterical, illogical creatures looking for any excuse to be hysterical. Hands up if you remember Y2K, Supermoon, the Bird Flu, SARS, Ebola, Jerry Bruckheimer movies about Shit Blowing Up, and Mel Gibson. Is the world still here? You bet.

#11. The CDC issued a warning about Zombie Apocalypse and forgot to reference Always Double Tap. Such fools.

As for me, I plan on spending my Happy (Non) Rapture Day as I would any other Saturday. Exercise, writing, maybe a nice steak. Because if this does turn out to be the end of the world, at least I’ll be enjoying myself.

And my readers will get one more P&Q post. See, I’m thinking of others and not myself.

Happy Rapture Day, fool!

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on May 21, 2011.

One Response to “I Love The Smell of Rapture In The Morning (It Smells Like Hushpuppies)”

  1. I love that Mr. T stained glass!

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


You - philosophical, thoughtful, witty. Me - still thinks fart jokes are funny. We should DEFINITELY get together!

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