If I’m On a Highway to Hell, I Wanna Drive One of These


There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire and a Zamboni. ~Charles Schulz

I figured out how I know I’m sliding away from youth and toward middle age. No, it’s not the increasingly loud protests of my knees and hips after working out, or the fact that taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon is my idea of a good time. If you really want to know, it’s my car. A Toyota Camry, beige, 4-door.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my car and I love its gas mileage even more. But when I pictured my dream vehicle as a child, I imagined something with a little more, you know, flash. Something like KITT, or the Ghostbusters’ hearse, or, naturally, the A-Team van. There’s even a guy selling a van with an A-Team paint job in my neighborhood right now, and the dreamer in me is asking why I can’t shell out a couple grand just so I could have that glorious 2-ton hunk of GMC glory. The practical person in me is whispering that it’s because gas is hovering just under four bucks a gallon, and that behemoth probably gets 9 MPG on the best of days.

I guess driving some of these wild and crazy rides is on my bucket list. I’m not like most girls; I don’t dream about a nice 3 BR/2 BA somewhere in the suburbs with a nice picket fence and a golden retriever. I’m a gearhead, a motorist, a gal with a fantastic imagination. The closest I may ever get to some of these babies is at a car show or a Cars of the Stars museum, but if I ever get rich, you know a few of ’em are gonna take up space in my garage. Just for today, we’re throwing gas mileage, price, resale value, and actual driveability out the window. These are my dream rides, ladies and gentlemen. I give you:

The Weinermobile

Nothing says “all-American” like driving around in a huge vehicle that looks like either a processed meat food product or an unintentional phallic symbol (depending on one’s point of view.) Oscar Meyer’s signature ride is iconic and still, I think, kind of cool. I had my picture taken with it a few years ago, so, you know, that’s at least the first step. That hot dog is mine. I can smell it.

The Classic Bullpen Car

Remember these from the 70s and 80s? Those tricked-out golf carts with the helmet on top that chauffered relief pitchers 100 yards? I think they should make a comeback for two reasons. They’re (I presume) electric, and if you put a Chevy Volt engine inside, we’re talking 60-80 MPG. If you drive down the street, nobody’s going to have any doubt which team you’re for. Might even be able to trade rides for tickets (just a guess.)

The Bluesmobile (1974 Dodge Monaco black-and-white)

You know this one: it’s got the cop shocks, cop tires, cop suspension. It’s able to outrun crazed neo-Nazis, state troopers, and country/western singers. I don’t think the real car would be able to do all of that, but it wouldn’t stop me from trying to recapture the awesomeness that is the Bluesmobile. I wouldn’t even mind the missing cigarette lighter since I don’t smoke.

Pee Wee’s Bike

This one isn’t a car, but it has a smoke grenade launcher, a turbo boost, and enough gadgets to give James Bond’s Aston-Martin a run for its money. I have no idea if such a bike actually exists, but contrary to what Pee Wee might think, everything is for sale if you have the money. I can only imagine tearing through a quiet Sunday park scene or a Hollywood backlot on one of those. Geronimoooo!

“The Classic” ’73 Olds Delta 88

If you’re a Sam Raimi/Bruce Campbell fan, you *know* this car. The one that takes the kids to the cabin in the original Evil Dead and later gets turned into a medieval tank in Army of Darkness. Peter Parker’s dead uncle’s car in Spider-Man. It’s director Sam Raimi’s personal ride, and while it may not be the coolest car around, it’s been in a ton of cool flicks. Hail to the Classic, baby.

The 1961 Ferrari GT California

If you don’t know why I love this car, you don’t know me very well. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a perennial in my top 5 movies of all time, and this red Ferrari is one big reason why. Ferris is exactly right when he says that such a fine automobile isn’t meant to be merely displayed in a museum. It’s meant to be driven. Get me on the German autobahn in this car, and I’m not sure I’d ever want to leave.

The Electric Mayhem Bus

Another classic which probably gets terrible gas mileage, but who cares? If you’ve seen the original Muppet Movie, you remember this one as the favored ride of the Electric Mayhem, the grooviest all-Muppet, all-southpaw band in the history of ever. I’m normally not one for a colorful paint job, but in this case I’ll make an exception. Groovy, man!

The M-1 Abrams Tank

Every girl dreams about owning one of these, right? No? Well, think of it this way: you’d never have to worry about finding a parking space again. And as Hannibal Smith puts it in an episode of The A-Team, “you run into the nicest people in tanks.”

The Chuck E. Cheesemobile

I like this ride for several reasons. I’m a sucker for classic VW Beetles, I just love the customization, and I fondly remember the scene in Uncle Buck where the obnoxious clown who owns this car gets his ass kicked. I can picture myself driving down the freeway in this little number playing a live-action version of the old Radar Rat Race game now.

 

 

 

 

 

The Zamboni

I don’t really care if driving one isn’t street legal. This post is about vehicles I’d really like to drive. Plus, I’m a hockey nut and I really like to say “Zamboni” out loud whenever I can. So there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Van and the Vette

If, by now, you don’t why I wanna drive these two, I just pity you, fool. I really do.

Liked this post? Click that “Like” button! Got ideas for future editions of P&Q? Send ’em my way!

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on June 5, 2011.

One Response to “If I’m On a Highway to Hell, I Wanna Drive One of These”

  1. If you get the van and the ‘Vette, I can at least have the Partridge Family bus, right? Come on, get happy!

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