Bradley Cooper Likes Me? Nope, Zach Galifianakis

Don’t let the beard fool you. He’s a child! ~from “The Hangover”

One of these guys likes me?

 I think it’s always flattering to have someone pay attention to me romantically. Especially celebrity lookalikes. It lets me know that I’m not getting too old, my fashion sense isn’t horrible, and that at least someone finds me attractive.

So why is it that said Hollywood Doppelganger guys invariably look like Andy Dick, Carrot Top, Stephen Tobolowsky, or in this case, Zach Galifianakis?

Don’t get me wrong…I have absolutely nothing against Z.G. He was hilarious in the Hangover movies and I’m sure he’s got a few million in the bank. Probably a really nice guy in real life. Probably has a really nice home somewhere in SoCal.

He’s just NOT MY TYPE. Maybe he does it for some lonely, 30-something women. Just not me.

“You know,” I’m sure my critics might be thinking right now, “for somebody in her 30s with few romantic prospects in sight, beggars really shouldn’t be choosers.” I get that. And I’m not going to judge someone just by their looks, either.'s not MY baby

The trouble is, my not-so-secret admirer is NOT really Z.G. I have to keep reminding myself. He looks enough like him, with the thick beard, perpetually dazed expression, and aura of weirdness. If I had to guess, I’d say this is the kind of guy who still lives in his mother’s basement, thinks vintage DC Universe comics are “made of awesome,” and regularly trolls Craigslist looking for 420 pals. He’ll make someone, eventually, a good lifemate. Just not me.
What is it about me that attracts suitors of such dubious dateability? I know I’m getting older, but I can still pass for my mid-20s. I’m no cover model, but nor am I going to run off small furry animals with my looks. I don’t wear a ring, but nor do many married people I know for different reasons. There are days when, in my position working with the public, I feel like that one antelope at the back of the herd with a bum leg, facing down a couple dozen hungry hyenas. Helpless.
That’s not to say I can’t still make choices. I’ve gently rebuffed the fake Z.G.’s advances several times. But he’s a persistent guy. I’m not sure he gets the message. If I have to rebuff not so gently, I’m not sure he’s gonna like it.
I talked to another single female friend of mine who also works with the public. She just laughed when I asked for her advice.
“Just get used to it,” she said between chuckles. “When you’re in a position like that, everybody will think you’re open season for hitting on. They think it’s impossible for you to be mean, that it’s your job to be nice.”
That’s my problem. I’ve been working in public service in one form or another since, well, I started working. I’ve never even had my own office. Over the course of those years I’ve been hit on by octogenarians, slimy clients, drunk guys, stoned guys, little people, guys from countries I can’t pronounce properly, and more than a few women. Oh, and the faux Zach Galifianakis. None of these unsavory characters have so much as floated my boat. In fact, it’s been more like a low-budget remake of Titanic, if you ask me.

Over-aggressive Heather suitor

 The way I see it, I have two options. I can keep being pretty low-key and remain the target of all manner of unwanted attention. Shrug it off, ignore it, look the other way. Or, if I really get desperate and want a date, I can relax my standards just a little bit. Who’s to say a date with Z.G.’s lost twin couldn’t be kind of fun?
No…I’m not that desperate yet. Not by a long shot.
With my birthday a few days away, I think I’ll still keep wishin’ and hopin’ and dreamin’ for a guy who looks more like Bradley Cooper to walk through those doors at work and give me his undivided attention. Sure, it’s a complete pie-in-the-sky fantasy. But since you’re supposed to have cake, or pie, on your birthday, I’ll indulge just this time.
(Oh, and if you know one of these guys, you’re more than welcome to give him my email address. Just sayin’.)

My birthday present, sorta

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on June 13, 2011.

One Response to “Bradley Cooper Likes Me? Nope, Zach Galifianakis”

  1. LOL this was an awesome post! I’ve just recently gotten a job and it’s the first time I’ve been in a cashier position. But I know exactly what you’re talking about. Gotta love it when all the people you dont’ want to hit on you come out in droves and start doing it any way haha. 😀 It’s ridiculous some of it. One guy actually made one of my coworkers reach up to grab the money and jokingly suggested she jump for it. I was like, “ew.” lol.
    I’m not gonna lie when I sit there daydreamin’ about some pretty Bradley Cooper type walking into the store haha. But for some reason they all end up looking like Alan from The Hangover and they’re ten times weirder. 😉
    Great post!

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


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