Can I Have a Flame Thrower For My Birthday?

Faceman never needed another cigarette lighter

Ever notice, you run into the nicest people in tanks? ~Hannibal Smith, “The A-Team”

Today is my birthday. Not the birthday of P&Q (that’s not until August), but my actual birthday. I’d tell you all how old I was, but then I’d have to kill you.

Which brings up an interesting point. What does a (age deleted)-year-old woman actually want on her birthday? Most of them would probably give the standard, and boring, answers. Clothes, shoes, a trip to the spa. Maybe a girls’ night out party.

BOOOOOO-RRRRRRINNNGG….gimme a second here to stop yawning…

I’ve always been a woman of action. It was a tough balance when I was a kid and my parents had to get me the fabled Daisy Red Ryder BB gun (no, I never did shoot my eye out.) But I did shoot at my share of rattlesnakes, jackrabbits, dead fish, sides of barns, and other varmints. Now that I’m older my tastes have become more expensive, and certainly of a higher caliber.

Now, I don’t want my readers to think I’m one of THOSE people. You know, the type whose idea of a good time on the weekend is to go to Bill Goodman’s Gun and Knife Show (Call a buddy! Bring a friend!) or hang out at the range. I’m as pro-Second Amendment as anyone you’re likely to meet, but that doesn’t mean I want to go around shooting for the sake of shooting. Weapons, as my granddad once told me, are a lot like horses. Treat them with proper care and respect, and they’ll be your staunch ally. If not, well, bad things can happen.

Just for today, I’m putting my fantasy birthday list out there. If anyone actually wants to get me any of these items, I won’t say no. I figure they’ll come in handy if and when there are ever food riots, a third World War, or a zombie apocalypse. A lot more so than a pedicure or a pair of Manolo Blahniks. Cue up the theme to The A-Team and let’s get crackin’….

Howling mad captain included

Flight in a Huey helicopter: This is still on my geek bucket list. Taking a lesson not just in a helicopter, but one of the greatest helicopters ever built. I doubt I’d master the art of rotors, collectives, and cyclics in a mere hour, but just to say I’ve done it? Priceless.

Captain, sadly, not included

Ruger Mini-14: Not just because it’s the A-Team’s rifle of choice, either. These are sleek, well-made, and reliable. I can only imagine how many zombies I could waste with a single clip.

I even like the color

Ranger horse with Ranger saddle: I always asked for a horse for my birthday and Christmas. Never did get one. I know they’re expensive, but if and when I ever buy my 40 acres of land somewhere, a horse will be essential. They can go all sorts of places motorized vehicles can’t. Plus, every cowboy or Ranger needs his or her own horse.

Wow, it's the Official Machete?

Machete: Because nothing says “badass” and/or “slayer of the undead” more than one of these. They’re also useful for weed-wacking around the side of your yard.

 

Everything's bigger in Texas

Atomic Warhead: I wouldn’t even care if it were a dud. It would be a nice way to have a little leverage, and certainly a great conversation piece for those awkward moments during parties. (Maybe I’d just use it as decor the way they did in that one episode of The Young Ones.)

Where am I and why is Queen playing?

Cricket Bat (Shaun of the Dead style): I never got around to buying one of these. They seem to be more useful than a baseball bat, field hockey or ice hockey stick would be. If they work so well dispelling the undead, I bet they’d also work clobbering intruders.

 

Name's Ash...Housewares

Boom Stick: If you have to ask, well, I pity you. If it’s good enough for Ashley J. Williams, it’s good enough for me.

Note: Prawn and Quartered and its author have not field-tested for safety any of these devices. Please use caution and always ask an adult for help if you really feel like you need to. If you don’t, and you happen to have one, you know where to find me.

Thanks to all my readers for appreciating my wacked-out sense of humor. You know I’m enjoying this day just thinking about this stash of goodies, don’t you?

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on June 14, 2011.