8 Questions (and One Bit of Advice) I Have For the NFL
Once you pay the bills, money is highly overrated. ~Ross Perot
- I still have bad flashbacks over this
I’m a recovering NFL football fan, much as I’m a recovering Catholic. I spent my whole life watching a sport that had no effect whatsoever on my life, my family’s collective lives, or my dog’s life. Nothing these 300-pound behemoths did on the football field affected me the way, say, a congressional budget bill would. And yet I cared. I really cared. I threw money and time and energy and the better part of thirty winters caring about what was basically grown men getting to play a kid’s game.
The caring is over. I’m done with the NFL. Maybe my neighbor is going all Brokeback and “can’t quit” the Shield, but dammit, I can. I’m tired of having my heart broken every year, my hair torn out, and a bunch of guys who make more in a year than I’ll make in my lifetime hitting me up for more money each and every year. No thanks, bro.
While I’m going to spend this fall and winter watching the NHL and college basketball, I’d like to ask a few questions of Roger Goodell, the 32 NFL team owners, and the nearly 2000 players. Maybe, if these questions get answered successfully, I might consider sharing some of my Sundays with them again. That’s a big maybe, after the near-6 month lockout, a weekly edition of Players Behaving Badly, and Brett Favre’s 17th retirement/unretirement.

Good thing he didn't sign with the Browns
Question #1: When are you going to stop making it acceptable, and even glamorous, for players to be criminals? I know Michael Vick did his time, but now he’s getting big-time endorsement deals from Nike and Subway. If I committed a felony, I’d be lucky to scrub floors over a graveyard shift. I know I can’t run a 4.4 40 or scramble into the endzone from 30 yards out…but that shouldn’t matter. I guarantee you that if most of these “players” had to do what I or my co-workers do, they wouldn’t last a week.
Question #2: Speaking of criminals, when are you going to put your foot down on these repeat offenders? Vick is a little different in that he only got caught once. I can name any number of players (Ben Roethlisberger, Pacman Jones, Plaxico Burress) who’ve seen multiple scrapes with the law. Enough is enough. I know athletes aren’t really role models anymore, but that doesn’t mean they deserve gainful employment either. Kick ’em out if they can’t keep their act straight.
Question #3: What’s up with the absurd rookie salaries? I present a scenario for you: I go to my local bank, asking for a $20 million loan. I tell them that I have a great record as a blogger and writer at an amateur level, but that I am going to be a bestselling novelist within the next few years. Think they’ll give me that loan? Nope…but that’s exactly how rookie guarantees and signing bonuses work. This for a guy who could blow out a knee and be useless before he ever plays a down professionally. If anybody knows of a gig like that for writers, let me know.

Nice playground...but where's the beef?

Stinko de Mayo?
Question #7: If your paychecks keep going up, and most of your hardcore fans’ don’t, how do you expect to stay in business? I’m sure there are people who will always be able to afford $12,000 PSLs, $15 beers, and $30 parking. I’m not one of those people. If the NFL fails to adapt to the Great Recession, it’s going to fail just like everything else. People aren’t going to mortgage their future, or their kids’ college accounts, for entertainment. At least not most people I know.
Question #8: Do you actually expect fans to come back in droves after what you’ve put them through? I know of at least a dozen former fans like me for whom this is the last straw. If you really want to make amends, NFL, you’ve got a long way to go. Start with reaching people at a grassroots level, like Facebook and Twitter.
And, NFL, one more piece of advice:
Get rid of the damn cheerleaders. They’re anachronistic, sexist and completely useless.
Thanks for listening, NFL. If you want me back, call my agent and we’ll do lunch, preferably at Cheddar’s.
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