Reality Is Not a Judd Apatow Movie

Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth. ~Horace Walpole

Translation: run fast in the opposite direction

Turns out I can take away useful information from even the worst movies. Case in point is 2009’s I Love You, Man, which I watched upon a friend’s recommendation. I can offer up the following observations after otherwise wasting a productive 99 minutes of my life:

#1. RUSH is still as great as ever and saved this flick from being a complete disaster;

#2. If I were an alien from another world and had movies like this to go by, I’d assume all men were hyper-macho baboons or metrosexual wimps, and I won’t get started on women,

#3. I really gotta reach out and find a few more friends (who live within driving distance of me.)

It’s not to say I haven’t laughed out loud, at least in spots, at Knocked Up, Superbad, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If anything, some of the more awkward moments in these scripts have been the proverbial salt in my interpersonal relationship wounds. I’m reminded of how much a challenge it is to make and keep friends. Living with AS, it also reminds me how difficult it is with all the unwritten rules and social norms our culture presents. Which is why, after time, I’ve simply given up on any hope of making new friends. Paul Rudd’s character in ILYM was reduced to using an online platonic friend-finder. I can’t say I haven’t done the same.

Soon to be my autobiography

Maybe it’s ironic that Apatow’s breakout hit was the critically acclaimed but short-lived Freaks and Geeks. Now there was something I could relate to. Being labeled or marginalized just because you were different. Trying so hard to fit in with “the cool kids” when it was never going to work. Once I grew up I learned an interesting truth: the business world, especially in competitive industries like law and real estate, is a hell of a lot like that high school. There will always be jocks and cheerleaders and cool alternative kids…and there will always be the hopeless geeks. The nice thing is, once out of actual high school, there are many more opportunities. Not to mention more money to be made.

Watching ILYM, I asked myself a question. If I, through some combination of extraordinary luck and effort, ended up engaged, whom would I want as my attendants? The obvious answer to this would be that, being so introverted, I’d simply run off and elope in Vegas, making a big wedding unnecessary. If I were forced to have the Big Wedding, though, I honestly don’t know. I have no sisters and am not particularly close to any other family members. I’ve got online friends in droves. Co-workers? Maybe. Sorta kinda. You see where I’m going here. Friendship is not exactly my forte.

My wedding would be more like this

But again, I’m putting the cart before the horse. If I’m going to follow the same endlessly recycled Apatow plot, I’ve got to a) find the guy of my dreams, preferably in some weird twist of fate, b) date said guy for at least a year or so and get to know his quirky friends and family, c) be proposed to in some elaborate set piece, and d) start to plan a wedding date while still finding a spot for my fiance’s gay brother. With classic rock pounding in the background. Sounds easy enough. If it were as easy for me as solving the New York Times crossword puzzle, I’d have the hall booked already. But real life isn’t like that.

I know that movies are generally written to appeal to a certain demographic. Usually I fall outside that demographic. That’s all right. In fact, I’ve rarely seen a movie with a female character not played by Jodie Foster or Sigourney Weaver whom I felt I could really relate to. I’m not a backstabber, a shrill harpy, a gossip, a mean girl, a cruel fashionista, an anorexic bimbo, or a manipulator. Just an average gal with an average life who believes that somewhere, there has to be a guy for me. But that’s not interesting enough for a movie.

I’m sure I’ll give the genre another try, at some point. I love to laugh and these types of flicks often have the biggest belly laughs. But they’ve started to lose me a bit. If ILYM were any indication of what modern dating and relationships are really like, I’m fishing in a very small pond indeed when it comes to potential suitors.

Then again, the fact that I used the phrase “potential suitors” probably disqualifies me. If I’m a freak or a geek, at least I’m being myself. And I’d much rather be myself than someone I’m not.

Now, about those friends…I suppose I could always try the Friend Finder again…and listen to RUSH while I’m at it.

Not to be confused with the real RUSH

To my readers: Have you got any hilarious or amusing relationship or friendship stories? Send them to and I might use them in a future post. Enjoyed this post? Be sure to click “Like” and subscribe to P&Q so you’ll never miss another moment of insanity.

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on October 6, 2011.

7 Responses to “Reality Is Not a Judd Apatow Movie”

  1. You are not alone!

    I was always told in school that I was weird. I had maybe a friend or two in school, but not “friend” enough to hang out outside of school.

    Anywho, somehow along the way, I found my soulmate. He is my everything. Blah blah blah. You know how it goes.

    I know you’ll find your someone special. Never lose heart. ❤

  2. Vegas wedding would potentially give you more interesting and exotic attendants. Big Wedding = nightmare for introverts. Plus, you’d probably have to invite people you rather not have there.

  3. So, would it be wrong to say here that I am absolutely convinced that you are a perfect match for one of my best friends? He is a fantastic guy that I have known since college. He loves Star Wars, and has only ever lost at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit to my husband in a 4+ hour marathon game. He loves the Indiana Jones movies so much that he got a dog and named it Indiana. And he loves the NY Yankees and knows more random, useless sports trivia than any guy I know. Seriously girl, every new post I read only makes me more certain that someday, I’m going to be attending your wedding.

    • Aw, well, I’d be honored. If he’ll have me, since I’m a die-hard Red Sox fan. That might make things interesting. And should I ever have a geek wedding, of course you’re invited!

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


You - philosophical, thoughtful, witty. Me - still thinks fart jokes are funny. We should DEFINITELY get together!

her name was cassandra

and she was a shining star

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