The Eeeeevil Teachers (we’ve all had one)

Oh, very good….Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter.

~Prof. Snape, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

Ten points from Gryffindor

My worst nightmares seem to be about high school. I’m drawn back in time fifteen years to a place where I could expect to be ridiculed, humiliated, marginalized, and called names on a daily basis.

And don’t even get me started on what my fellow students did to me.

By and large my education was a good one. I fondly remember many of my high school teachers and still send some of them Christmas cards. But it’s the bad, nasty, weird and wicked ones I seem to remember more. I suppose vinegar leaves more of an aftertaste than honey.

My alma mater

Evil teachers might not always be easy to spot. There’s certainly the obvious choices (see my description of Ms. W below) but some of them are much more sneaky types. If you’ve read the Harry Potter novels, these are the Dolores Umbridges of the world: behind pink cardigans and old-lady hairdos lurks the cruel heart of a sadist. And yeah, I had one of those too.

I feel a little bad writing about some of these teachers. Some of them taught me important lessons in the end. Like Prof. Snape, not all teachers can be judged by their menacing exteriors. That being said…

I never had to do this

Mrs. C was my English teacher for three of my four years. She was certainly smart enough and looked the part of an elegant older lady. However, she had the organizational skills of a category-4 hurricane and maintained a nasty habit of grading papers once every five years. Harry Potter doppelganger: Professor Sybil Trelawney.

Mr. P defied a lot of stereotypes. Here was a tough-as-nails character who would have been more at home as a drill sergeant than a school. He was a Vietnam vet who’d obviously been through a lot. I always felt more than a little afraid of him, though he barely stood five and a half feet. Harry Potter doppelganger: Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody.

Then there was Ms. M, whom I never had as a teacher but suffered through as an athletics coach. It would have been fine if not for her blatant biases and holier-than-thou attitude. She was the one that just about forced me to walk out midseason. Thank goodness I never had to put up with her in the classroom. Harry Potter doppelganger: Lucius Malfoy.

Every school seems to have a bumbling school administrator. Ours was Mr. P, whom I guess was too busy playing Spider Solitaire in his office to notice the widespread gangs, drugs, and bullying rampant in his own school. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was in over his head. Harry Potter doppelganger: Cornelius Fudge.

So that's what that Latin motto meant...

I’ve never liked people such as Mrs. E, who carefully picked favorites and kept creating unwritten rules out of thin air. She was easily bribed, which came in handy later on. I only had her one year and that was more than enough. Harry Potter doppelganger: Horace Slughorn.

Of course, the worst of the worst was Ms. W. I have no hesitation in calling her the most evil teacher I ever had. All her sisters had become nuns. I only wish she had; it would have suited her better. I suffered through a year of Algebra II with this mean old gargoyle of a woman, who threw insults the way some people throw lawn darts. Her class was the only one which I ever walked out of in pure anger. I’d compare her to Professor Snape, but that would be a grave insult to Snape. I’ll go with the Hogwarts librarian, Madam Pince, instead.

I don’t think those nightmares are going away any time soon. Thank goodness I only have to face these teachers down in the dream world instead of the real world. I’m not sure I could deal with them again.

If given a choice, I think I’d rather face down a Basilisk. Or a Hungarian Horntail. Even a Crumple-Horned Snarkack. Anything but Ms. W and her classroom.

I’d love to hear everyone else’s evil teacher memories…drop me a line at wikusandmurdock@yahoo.com. If you enjoyed this post, be sure to click “Like” and subscribe to P&Q so you’ll never miss another issue of insanity.

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on October 8, 2011.