It’s Zombie Apocal…Um, I Mean, Black Friday!

It’s a marathon, not a sprint, unless it’s a sprint, then a sprint. ~Zombieland Rule #20

Nope, I don't see much difference

As of this very moment I’m noshing on some of my mom’s excellent leftover croissants, watching a decent football game, and sipping at a cup of hot chocolate. In other words I’m doing what a sane person should the day after Thanksgiving. I managed to sleep in until 9 AM (sweet), get out to the lake for a hike on a balmy late November day (even sweeter) and, perhaps sweetest of all, assiduously avoided the retail districts on this, the most insane shopping day of the year in America. Ever since I got out of retail and into civil service work, I’ve had no reason to risk life and limb in the pursuit of a $199 flat-screen TV or a $19 bathrobe. It’s simply not worth my risking a broken leg or a panic attack, or having to break out my ninja skills just to get a good parking space.

They don't just want brains anymore...they want bargains

I understand the draw of Black Friday for many people. It’s the same sort of psychology that draws a few hundred seagulls to the one poor seagull who finds a leftover hot dog on the beach. “If that seagull has a hot dog, it must be worth fighting over and running the risk of getting trampled!” In other words it is the most primitive kind of mob psychology, that vestige of our caveman past when we fought one another over fresh kills and cool-looking mammoth bones. Every year when I read the news digest on this day, I wince when I see the inevitable stories of grandmas getting their hips broken or kids stomped to death because some idiots were too busy dashing toward the iPhones on sale.
Personally I refuse to participate in this annual feeding frenzy, and I sympathize with that guy at Target who was protesting that store’s opening at 10 PM on Thanksgiving. While I’m neither a cold, heartless capitalist or one of the anti-corporate Occupy types, I believe in the sanctity of at least a few days out of the year. I also believe every worker, no matter how lowly their job may be considered, deserves a few quiet, peaceful days at home to spend as they so choose.

Back off, fatso, the last shotgun is mine!

If we look at the footage of the demented shoppers who will stop at nothing in pursuit of bargains, who camp outside malls in the bitter cold, who are undeterred by snow or ice or acts of the gods, there’s only one conclusion that can be safely drawn.
Zombie apocalypse is no longer a myth or a late-night show or a hit drama on AMC. It’s already started and the best defense is a good offense. So, muchachos y muchachas, why not ask Santa for a nice 12-gauge this Christmas? Stock up on some freeze-dried foods and hand warmers, and it’s a good idea to have a crossbow or other long-range weapon on hand too. ZA may be happening under our noses. Before long the undead won’t be content to ransack Macy’s or Target…they’ll come for you, your loved ones, even your dog.
Just don’t say I didn’t warn you first, and don’t forget to double-tap. Oh, and have a happy holiday season. Because nothing says “festive” like hordes of the undead.

Ho Ho Ho, and let's kill some zombies!

Disclaimer: P&Q is purely humorous and not meant to be taken seriously. Leave zombie-hunting to the professionals and remember to always get a kick-ass partner if you’re getting into the biz. Don’t forget to click “Like” if you enjoyed this post and subscribe so you’ll never miss another moment of mayhem with the living or the undead.

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on November 25, 2011.

4 Responses to “It’s Zombie Apocal…Um, I Mean, Black Friday!”

  1. Once, on a quiet lunchbreak, my colleagues and I came up with our Zombie Contingency Plan. Unfortunately, we’ve lost it, so we’re in trouble…

  2. You say I need a shotgun? Terrific! I swear I saw there was a shotgun for sale featured in one of these flyers…I’ll have to buy mine in between the 1:30 AM rush at Toys R Us and the 4:30 Best Buy Rush.
    Careful planning is essential.



  4. I cannot understand the “fun” of camping out in a Wal-mart parking lot in the cold to get “the chance” to do something which I hate to do…! But I know some people must love it….guess it’s lucky for them that I hate it, as if I loved it, they would just have one person to have to knock down to get that iPhone or whatever they have to get.

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


You - philosophical, thoughtful, witty. Me - still thinks fart jokes are funny. We should DEFINITELY get together!

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