The North Pole Hit Squad (A Happy Christmas Poem)


No, this isn’t really them…I just like the picture
My faithful readers will notice today’s post has no accompanying quote. I promise to make it up to you, as today’s edition promises to be wildly entertaining as only P&Q can be. I cannot promise any rum punch or Johnny Depp dancing half-naked, but I decided to let my creativity out of the bag today and my sense of self-preservation fall by the wayside.
 
The translation: I’m sharing with all of you a little poem that’s been kicking around in my head for a few years now. It’s un-PC and pretty twisted in spots. Did you guys really expect anything different? Also, for the record, I remain very pro-Second Amendment but would not call myself a “gun nut.” I believe firearms are a lot like dogs and horses: both faithful companions if in experienced hands, but dangerous as hell in irresponsible ones. That being said, I offer you the following. In the spirit of Bill Watterson and Shel Silverstein and Edward Gorey and Tim Burton…you know, all those happy men of verse. Just in time for Christmas, it’s:
 
The North Pole Hit Squad (A Happy Christmas Poem)
 
 
‘Twas two weeks before Christmas
Things were not looking good
In the far northern climes
Of Saint Nick’s neighborhood
 
“Where is love?!” Santa cried,
“Where is goodwill, compassion?
Are they things of the past?
 Or perhaps out of fashion?
 
Every Christmas, it seems,
The good ones are fewer
The light of the world
Fallen into the sewer.”
 
The elves and the reindeer
They were both getting plastered
Muttering curses
“Earth sucks! They’re all bastards!”
 
Kris Kringle, he knew that
The world’s on the skids
So much bad behavior
Too many spoiled kids
 
The naughty list grew
Until it was certain
That the children’s names on it
They were in for a hurtin’.
 
But Santa, you see
 He was still a nice guy
Too jolly to anger
With a forgiving eye
 
“I know the solution,”
Santa said with a twinkle,
And away he did go
To see Cupcake and Sprinkle.
 
These were elves, but the kind
Who disdained making toys
They would rather take vengeance
On bad girls and boys.
 
“Now Cupcake, now Sprinkle,”
Santa told them one night,
“Go out in the world now,
Be not kind or contrite.”
 
So away they both sneaked
Both with stealth and precision
For these elves, at last
Could pursue their ambitions
 
A rifle in each hand
A grin on their features
Knowing that they would soon
Be shooting evil creatures
 
The ones who’d been naughty
Never saw the elves coming
The bullets were flying
And business was humming
 
At the end of that first night
Old Santa was pleased
The naughty list shortened
His headache was eased
 
A decision was reached
In Santa’s wise head
For in lieu of a coal lump
He’d send them instead
 
“Cupcake and Sprinkle,
You’re hereby proclaimed
The captains of Hit Squad
Long may you reign!”
 
And that’s how it started
Santa’s perfect solution
For bad kids of the world
They’d just get absolution
 
So remember, dear friends,
To be kind, spread good cheer
Singing the praises
Of Christmas so clear
 
Or you may just find
That it’s your own bad luck
To invite Santa’s Hit Squad
And remember
 
to DUCK.
 
 
 
 (Author’s Note: Just in case, this is a PARODY and should be treated as such! That being said, enjoy.) Don’t forget to subscribe to P&Q to keep up on the madness and click “Like” if you enjoyed this post.
 
 
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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on December 14, 2011.

4 Responses to “The North Pole Hit Squad (A Happy Christmas Poem)”

  1. It is not often I read a comic Christmas poem like this. Well done!

  2. This awesome poem is the perfect time to say that Tales from the Mush Room nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award under the category ‘Coolest Name on the Blogk’. Check it out:

    http://talesfromthemushroom.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/versatile-is-exactly-the-right-word/

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