Howling Mad Heather’s Last-Minute Gift Guide


Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?

~Tom Armstrong

It’s the week before Christmas, and you still haven’t found that perfect gift for your mom, your grandfather, your best friend, your dog, or any of your cousins. I’m here to offer you a bit of advice. In the words of Douglas Adams, DON’T PANIC. You still have time, and, with this handy post, you’ll be sure to find exactly what you need. Even if it’s the last week and you’re utterly clueless. In fact, this post is especially for you. I pity the fool who doesn’t take at least some of this advice.

For the accessory-loving fashionista:

Feather extensions and costume jewelry from the local vintage shop! And if that doesn’t work, knit them some socks. Nobody can say no to a pair of hand-knitted socks, especially in a lovely shade of mustard or puce.

For that goofy uncle everyone has:

How about a funny hat, preferably with wings, a naughty slogan and/or a beer sipper straw attached to it? It’ll be good for a laugh and he can always re-gift it to one of his poker or golf buddies later on.

For the jaded kid who already has everything:

In this tech-saturated era, I prefer to go retro. Instead of another Xbox game or iPod, what about a homemade superhero outfit complete with sock sidekick? Hey, it might actually get the little buggers to play outside once in a while. You’ll score some points with their mom too.

For the sweet maiden aunt or widowed grandma:

The world we live in is a dangerous one, especially for women living alone. Instead of another tea cozy or Precious Moments figurine, how about a replica Uzi? Even one that just shoots water? I wouldn’t want to mess with the granny packing one of these.

For your sensitive, artsy teenage relative:

Going low-tech again with a throwback Super 8, beret and scarf. They can make their own backyard movies and aspire to be the next Spielberg or Scorsese. Plus, they’ll thank you for your ironic sense of hipster-ness.

 For your BFF who loves the great outdoors:

Sure, they’ve done zip-lining and parasailing and spelunking…how about a gift certificate for a trail ride at the local stables? Especially if they’ve always wanted to try horseback riding, or have been out of the saddle for a while, this is a proven winner.

For your workaholic golfer dad:

 Not just another round of golf at the local country club…a round of golf with you as Dad’s caddy. Never mind that you hate golf and don’t know a 9-iron from a tire iron. This is a chance for Dad to relax and for the two of you to spend some quality time together. Don’t forget to treat him to a beer or two along the way.

For your nostalgic Baby Boomer mom:

Mom will never be able to go back in time and see the Eagles or the Beatles again…so why not re-create the memories for her? If she still has her vinyl collection, break it out and play DJ for her for a night. Oh, and add a few of Mom’s favorite dishes to make the night extra-special.

For your hard-to-please boss:

You, the hardworking employee, probably don’t have access to a limo. For one afternoon, dress up like a chauffeur and drive your boss to lunch at his/her favorite spot. Again, alcohol will not hurt your odds here. Might even help you get that long-awaited promotion at work.

For your dog:

 Every dog already has a squeaky squirrel, a rubber newspaper, a fluffy bunny to chew on. Why not get Fido something a little different this year…like a ginormous, nearly indestructible replica lobster? Maybe dogs like lobster just as much as their people do.

For the Secret Santa/White Elephant recipient you hardly know:

Enough with the pencil holders, the restaurant gift cards, the cute stuffed animals. You know this person wants their very own, genuine Crystal Skull. Look how happy this guy was to get one. And if all else fails, it can be hollowed out to use as a coffee mug or…um…pencil holder. Natives with spears optional.

For the amazing A-Team guy/gal in your life whom you’re crazy about:

Not to beat a dead horse(hide) here…there’s nothing like an authentic A-2 Murdock jacket for the holidays. And I know the best replica maker in the biz (nescartfanatic.deviantart.com). Give one of these and I guarantee you’ll be Mr. or Ms. Popular on Christmas morning.

I’d like to send some special shout outs for today’s post: to the very talented Leanne (thatkliqkid) for her amazing Dwight Schultz Gallery and the use of all the photos. To AJ for her friendship and incredible talent. And to Mr. Dwight Schultz for being a role model to so many, including myself. You’re the best. And of course, to my devoted readers…you guys are all terrific and I thank you for your readership. Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah!

As always, don’t forget to click “Like” if you enjoyed today’s post, and subscribe to P&Q to stay in touch!

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on December 19, 2011.

3 Responses to “Howling Mad Heather’s Last-Minute Gift Guide”

  1. Sock Sidekick!!! Hell yeah!!! Want!!!

  2. Aw my pleasure with the gallery, you’re more than welcome to use all the pictures. I’m just glad people get enjoyment of it XD

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