A Plethora of Preposterous Prognostications for 2012


Greetings, my friends! You are interested in the unknown. The mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here.

 ~Criswell, “Ed Wood”

"Is William Shatner still cool?" "Um, yes."

It’s that time of year…the time when I pull down one wall calendar and replace it with another (this year, I bought one with scenes of beautiful San Diego.) It’s the death of one year and the birth of another. Instead of making some silly resolution I know I won’t keep-like finishing my book at long last-I went for the obvious. I’m channeling my inner Madame Ruby (You’re here because you…want something) and throwing out some wild predictions for the upcoming year. Remember, you heard them here first. I don’t pretend to be some fantastically gifted clairvoyant or Cassandra. Nope, some of these are just wild stabs in the dark. Plus, the title made for some rather magnificent alliteration.

What will 2012 bring, o Mystic Seer? As I gaze into my crystal ball, here’s what I see:

I see in your future...a creepy guy in a glass case

 *Just in time for the 2012 Summer Olympics, IOC adds a new sport to the Games: Rhythmic Tebowing. The Queen is not amused and neither are her corgis.
 
*SEAL Team Six is sent to Tehran to take out Ahmedenijad, last of the red-hot dictators. They bring years of military expertise, toughness, and half the cast of Jersey Shore. Ahmedenijad surrenders.
 
* Justin Bieber’s voice breaks along with the hearts of a million teenybopper fans. AMC orders pilot for new “Leave it to Bieber” seriocomic drama.
 
*President Obama drops Joe Biden from ticket and adds running mate Hillary Clinton, leaving the unanswered question of who *really* wears the pants in the Democratic Party.
 
*In a Perot-esque move, Donald Trump runs on a third party ticket to ruin the GOP’s chances. Borrows the Monster Raving Loony Party designation from the UK. Ron Paul protests.
 

The Alamo...in the basement...

*Religious cults around the world commit mass suicide in anticipation of 12/20/12 and the Apocalypse, or else in protest at not snagging spots on TLC.
 
* Cash-strapped school districts begin to sell advertising on school uniforms, starting the new rivalries of Pizza Hut High vs. Dominos Academy. Hey, at least they’re setting the kids up for the jobs they’re likely to get once out of school.
 
* A giant wormhole swallows up all the Occupy and Tea Party protesters, leaving the rest of us in peace to watch The Walking Dead.
 
*Speaking of which: the Zombie Apocalypse begins in earnest in Tulsa, OK. However, local authorities are convinced outbreak is simply a byproduct of Black Friday sales and quashes undead, preventing any wide-scale damage.
 
* Freak category-5 tornado tears through downtown Detroit. City officials quoted as saying “It’s a much-needed improvement.”
 
* Celebrity babies get long-awaited siblings: Pilot Lee-Flight Attendant, Apple Martin-Orange, Kyd Duchovny-Play, Rocket Rodriguez-Booster. As in, Orange you glad this isn’t your name?
 
* Catherine, Duchess of Cornwall, announces she is expecting…a three-headed space alien. Copies of Weekly World News fly out supermarket doors.
 
*European leaders, seeking to save the sinking Euro, decide to rename the currency by adding a suffix from the Old Norse for “new,” making it Euro-nal.
 
*Crop circles appear in increasing frequency. Viewers assume it’s just another silly commercial for GEICO and pay the phenomenon no heed.
 
*San Francisco Giants pitcher Brian Wilson shaves his beard for a publicity stunt, revealing Elvis Presley and Jimmy Hoffa.
 
*Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson co-write bestselling work of fiction entitled “Looking For the Real Killers.”
 
*People put aside petty personal differences and agree to do what’s right for a change.
 
Hey, I said this was going to be weird predictions, right? Oh, and now for the really important stuff:
 
Super Bowl XLVI: Saints defeat Patriots, 30-23
 
World Series: Red Sox over Phillies in 6
 
Stanley Cup: Bruins over Blackhawks in 7
 
Kentucky Derby: Creative Cause
 
NCAA Men’s Basketball Champs: North Carolina
 
 
 

Holy crap...Rooney knows the future!

Enjoyed this post? Got a few predictions of your own? Click “Like” and be sure to subscribe to P&Q!
 
DON’T FORGET: You have a couple more days to enter the 2011 Boxing Day 1,000 comment contest! Just go to the post from earlier this week to find out how you could win a cool prize.
 
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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on December 30, 2011.

3 Responses to “A Plethora of Preposterous Prognostications for 2012”

  1. “Justin Bieber’s voice breaks along with the hearts of a million teenybopper fans. AMC orders pilot for new “Leave it to Bieber” seriocomic drama.”—-I read this and literally laughed out loud. 🙂 Thank you for making my morning.

    A few of these are probable–the Clinton/Obama ticket seems possible, and I’m pretty sure Casey Anthony has an interview/book deal scheduled for 2012. It wouldn’t shock me that OJ would get involved.

    I’ll make my own preposterous predictions. 1. Lady Gaga will show up for at least one awards show in a normal gown rather than one made out of neoprene, plastic, or meat. 2. The Sesame Street episodes now airing in the Middle East will be the force for peace we’ve all desired. Either that, or he’s the antichrist.

  2. I predict that global warming melts the polar ice cap, exposing prehistoric animals who were flash-frozen to warm up and ‘come to life.’ Then rich people hunt them down and kill them.

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