P and Q’s 10 Most Wanted, Vol. 1


A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

~Dennis Miller

Why so frickin' Sirius?

I’ll be honest with you, P&Q Rangers. I’ve been in one of my moods this week. Is it because:

a) I will soon have to sell one of my kidneys just to put gas in my car,

b) The weather is playing psychological tricks with my mind, snowing one minute and sunny the next,

c) Manos: The Hands of Fate reminded me uncontrollably of my MST-loving ex on Valentine’s Day,

d) I still haven’t bought a winning lottery ticket or found my very own unicorn.

Actually it could be all of these. February has never been my favorite month and this year it’s just sucked. So, I decided to go to Plan B in this great time of soul-searching despair, which is to riff mercilessly on famous people I just don’t like.

Some of these people you’ll know. Others are a little more obscure. They all have at least one thing in common: the ability to annoy legions of unsuspecting regular Joes and Janes. Please do NOT take this as the chance to go after some of these people for bounty and/or leave unpleasant things on their lawns. (That’s my job.) I hope it’ll amuse you guys as much as it amuses me. Now, where the hell’s my Moo Goo Gai Pan and glass of sake?

WANTED: Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj

Because there are starving naked kids in this world who could otherwise be clothed, and because showing up at the Grammys with a fake Pope is, regardless of one’s religious affiliation, really idiotic.

WANTED: The idiot in the F-250 at work

I never was a slender little nymph and your parking within 4 millimeters of my car only reminds me of this fact every single time. I hope you get a speeding ticket, are abducted from your trailer park by aliens, and get a roaring case of syphillis…hopefully all within one day. 

WANTED: Jessica Biel

It’s not just The A-Team, either…how many crappy movies has this girl starred in? She has all the charisma of a cigar store Indian. If she weren’t “hot,” we all know she’d probably be waiting tables at the local IHOP.

WANTED: Michael Bay

Don’t get me wrong: I like robots. I like aliens. I like Helicopters Blowing Up. But it’s like whiskey. I can’t do it all at once or I’ll just be hung over the next day. Mr. Bay is the very definition of excess. And I’m sure Transformers 4 is in the pipeline already. Can I get a “facepalm” from the congregation here?

 

WANTED: Tim Tebow

I’m kinda split on Tebow. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he’s in danger of becoming overexposed. As for the religious part of things, I’ve always believed one’s religious beliefs are between you and God. Would we think of Tebow the same way if he was outspokenly, say, Buddhist? Scientologist?

Coming soon: We’ve got all kinds of awesomeness! Part II of 10 Most Wanted, plus, everybody who posts a comment on this edition and/or shares their Most Wanted will have the chance to have a custom Wanted poster done for him/herself! Check out Your Burning Questions: Answered if you want answers. And we all want answers.

That Moo Goo Gai Pain has had its revenge. Better get some rest for another day, eh, P&Q Rangers?

As always…be sure to click “Like” and add P&Q to your blogroll and subscriptions. It’s the right thing to do.

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on February 17, 2012.

10 Responses to “P and Q’s 10 Most Wanted, Vol. 1”

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the bounty on Michael Bay’s head. I wish he were never allowed near a camera again because he’s basically raped my childhood.

    I’d put a bounty on Adele’s head. I’m sick to death of her. Same goes for Stephanie Meyer, any grown man in skinny jeans, and people who don’t merge into traffic at an appropriate speed.

    • Michael Bay and George Lucas have both raped our childhoods, which is really sad.

      Adele? Hadn’t really thought of her. I’d second Stephenie Meyer and the skinny jeans guys for sure. Something tells me I’ll need a sequel to this post. 😉

  2. Julie Chen
    Jane Austen
    Rubeus Hagrid
    Vivica A Fox
    People who don’t use proper punctuation.

  3. Did someone just open a can of worms in here?

  4. Frank Miller. Yes, I know The Dark Knight Returns is a seminal piece of work, but the guy made Superman into a government stooge and Batman into a psychopath. I could handle it if it was just one story, but noooooo, it had to influence the characters for something like twenty years. Gah.

    If I was a bigger music fan, I’d probably want a bounty on Simon Cowell’s head too.

  5. I saw on Ironic Mom’s blog that you mentioned Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell in the comments, and now I see that you’re also searching for a unicorn…I think I’m in love with your blog.

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