P and Q’s 10 Most Wanted, Vol. 2


The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier. ~George Bernard Shaw

Yes, I tried that too

Hey there, P&Q Rangers! Life’s been a bit better these past few days and I’m ready to rock and roll, not to mention finishing the second half of my Ten Most Wanted list. To say Vol. 1 was popular would be an understatement. There’s some serious vitriol out there and it needs to come out. Everybody from Grammy darling Adele to graphic novelist Frank Miller and actress Vivica A. Fox got a nod, as did fictional half-giant Rubeus Hagrid and “novelist” Stephenie Meyer. All good choices. However, I’m going to nominate some other poor souls for the meat grinder. Twilight will be ridiculed in a subsequent post.

Like I said, please DON’T take the opportunity to openly harass these folks, send them Nigerian pyramid scheme letters, or order 19 pizzas to be sent to their home. They will get theirs in time. Mwahahahaha.

Let the Era of Bad Feelings begin again! And somebody bring me a shot of Red Stag and some Toblerone, whydontcha? This evil genius needs some fuel for the midnight hour.

WANTED: The man formerly known as Ron Artest.

I realize The Artist Formerly Known as Artest didn’t actually start this idiotic trend (see: Prince, Chad Ochocinco) but he’s just the latest entry. Nothing screams “Look at me, I’m washed up and I have no talent!” like renaming yourself “World Peace.” Well, maybe getting a tramp stamp or dying your hair chartreuse comes kinds close. That’s why I kinda miss Dennis Rodman.

WANTED: Would-Be Caucasian Suburban Gangstas

Guess what, guys? You’re not gangsta. I’ve met Girl Scout troops and senior citizens’ yoga classes more gangsta than you. If you think you live in the ‘hood and your life is ballin’, try spending a day in East Baltimore or South Central L.A. Oh, and stop your Jamie Kennedy bullshit. It isn’t funny. Eminem is the one and only exception to this rule and it’s solely because he’s from Detroit, OK?

WANTED: The board of directors at GEICO

I hate giving free product placement here…but GEICO and its parade of advertising annoyance gets my goat. Their goal is apparently to sell car insurance, but all they’ve done for me is made me want to go out and buy a 12-gauge and a case of vodka. If I hear that squealing piglet one more time I can’t guarantee I won’t turn into a homicidal maniac. Oh, well, at least there’ll be Absolut.

WANTED: Donald “The Donald” Trump

It’s kind of embarrasing to me that Trump is the most famous person who shares my birthdate. Far as I can tell, he represents everything I find loathsome: obnoxious wealth, reality TV shows, casinos, New Jersey, weird-looking ex-wives, and a seriously bad hairpiece. (Is it really all he could afford on his salary?) I pray to any benevolent god that he won’t pull a Ross Perot and run on a third-party ticket this year. You’re fired, Donald!

WANTED: Justin “Leave It To” Bieber

I don’t hate poor ol’ Bieber. I don’t. I just wonder when the hell he’s going to stop looking so much like a teenage girl. It’s a relief I don’t have any Bieberphile preteen daughters, nieces or cousins to deal with. I think I’d drown in a sea of squishy squee….and then have to kill myself to seal the deal.

If you think I’ve left anybody off the list, vehemently agree or disagree, well, you know what to do, Rangers! If you do, be sure to comment on this post and you might just get your very own custom Wanted poster with a sordid tale of your imaginary wrongdoings. (Jamie, Booksnob, Secretlyhardcore, and Matthew, you already have, so let me know what you’d like, OK?)

That’s it for me tonight, Rangers. Don’t forget to ask me a question for our Burning Questions featurette! I have to get some Z’s so I can take care of the place while the Master is away. (If you didn’t catch that reference, rent a copy of Manos: The Hands of Fate, preferably the MST3K version.)

And be sure to click “Like” and subscribe…what would Torgo do, after all?

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on February 18, 2012.

5 Responses to “P and Q’s 10 Most Wanted, Vol. 2”

  1. Hahaha! I love the Girl Scouts bit.

    That reminds me….I think I need to start looking up my favorite cookies for my chocolate section on my page.

    Thank you for reminding me. 😀

  2. I’d add Paris Hilton, Nicky Menage (?) and that Friday girl. Oh, and Ke$sha (I have a feeling the dollar sign’s in the wrong place but then so is she, she should be in Antarctica wearing a light evening jacket). Anybody with flat features and too little on, really.

  3. Nicki Minaj made Part I, ironically enough. 😉 I considered adding Paris Hilton but didn’t want to beat a dead horse. Ah, well, there’s always another post, right?

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