Top 10: My 10 Favorite Movies, Back-Asswards!

A reactionary is a somnambulist walking backwards. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Almost through this week, P&Q Rangers. It’s been a week fraught with peril, death-defying stunts, and encounters with extraterrestrials. Well, maybe not that interesting, but marginally moreso than a routine week at work. I’ll let it fly.

There have been a few of these memes floating around recently. Of course, I’m always late on the trends, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel compelled to contribute anyway (remember the “What I really do” meme a month or so ago? I made like, twelve of those before everyone told me to cease and desist.) What I also realized is that in all the time I’ve been doing P&Q, I’ve never disclosed a list of my favorite movies. So I’ve decided to do just that today, with a twist:

What if all those movies had been done bass-ackwards by a crazy man like the site mascot? What would they have looked like? What is the very meaning of existence? I hope this post answers a few of those questions.

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

“A handsome prince turns into a beast in slow-motion, has a near-death experience, then slowly mutates into more and more of an animal as a magical rose keeps gaining more petals. He has a nice girl named Belle as a guest at his castle but for some reason keeps being more and more of a jerk to her. There’s a lot of French townspeople and talking household objects moonwalking in the background.”

The Blues Brothers (1980)

A couple of blues-singing white boys do a whole lot of driving in reverse in their magical cop car that puts destroyed buildings back together in and around Chicago. If you like musical legends like Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin and James Brown, you’ll get to hear their greatest hits spun backwards. Oh, and at the end, Joliet Jake ends up back in prison. What a downer.”

District 9 (2009)

“An alien starts turning progressively more human while running backwards away from gunfire, enraged Nigerians, and huge robot suits. All the while everyone starts to like him more and more and he is able to get a normal job within an evil multi-national corporation. At the end he’s a nice, well-dressed guy with a pretty wife. Who’d have ever guessed he was an alien to start with?”

Contact (1997)

“A scientist obsessed with finding extraterrestrial life takes a trippy journey back in time. She spends most of her time helping deconstruct a machine designed by aliens to enable humans to travel through space/time. After a while the aliens get so sick of her wishy-washy ways that they stop transmitting radio signals and retreat back to the Vega system. All the alien groupies go home and the scientist is not only bummed out, but amnesiac.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

“Famous archaeologist Indiana Jones has found the Holy Grail at last. However, he gives it up because it’s not a wise choice to take it all for himself. He thinks it’s more fun to run around Europe backwards avoiding Hitler’s minions. We get to see how easy it is to fly an airplane, drive a racecar, and ride a motorcycle in reverse. If anybody can do it, Jones can. He also loses his estranged father along the way. Nobody’s perfect, after all.”

What About Bob? (1991)

“Dr. Leo Marvin is insane. However, with the help of the miraculous Bob Wiley, who also puts his destroyed lake house back together, Dr. Marvin is also able to win back his estranged family, write a bestselling book, and become a successful psychiatrist. If you love daring breakouts from mental hospitals and the bucolic scenery of New Hampshire (in reverse), this is the movie for you.”

The Princess Bride (1987)

“A couple, Westley and Buttercup. finds true love. However, they are torn apart and spend a great deal of time running backwards from evil royals and ROUS. Westley rises from the dead twice and is the best backwards swordsman you’ve ever seen. Some Sicilian guy also spits wine into a cup and comes back to life. Wish You As.”

Dr. Strangelove (1964)

“The world has been destroyed in a nuclear war. Or has it? A rogue B-52 lifts the Bomb from above Soviet skies and flies back to America. Meanwhile, the President of the United States and his war cabinet sit around a big table having discussions and beating one another to a pulp. In the end, we discover the world is still around and it was all a bad dream Sterling Hayden was having. It must have been the fluoride in his vital bodily fluids.”

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

“Luke Skywalker has some holes in his memory: he’s managed to forget he a) lost his hand, b) learned to become a Jedi under the tutelage of Yoda, and c) is the son of Darth Vader. Meanwhile the Millennium Falcon does some nifty backwards tricks to escape the pursuing Empire, while Princess Leia and Han Solo fall out of love and start sniping at one another. On the bright side of all this, the secret Rebel base on Hoth seems to be okay.”

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (1985)

“Pee-wee Herman’s bike means everything to him. In flashback, we see how James Brolin, aka P.W. Herman, lost the bike amid backwards Godzilla movies, Hell’s Angels who only ride backwards, a lady trucker with an 18-wheeler in reverse, and a dyslexic tour guide at the Alamo. Why anybody ever thought Pee-wee looked like James Brolin, we’ll never know.”

What would your favorite movie(s) be like back-asswards? Would it improve them? Any movies that might actually be more entertaining that way? Throw ’em my way!

If you liked this post, click that “Like” button and subscribe to keep our site mascot from speaking backwards and moonwalking…

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on April 19, 2012.

8 Responses to “Top 10: My 10 Favorite Movies, Back-Asswards!”

  1. I love your commentary. Makes me want to see some of those movies again…except Pee-Wee. Backwards…. so clever.

  2. “No I didn’t. Honest… I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!”

  3. I still need to watch Princess Bride and we own it! How lame is that! Love your list!

  4. I would still pay to see at least four of those movies.
    And now I understand why Lucas keeps saying no one got Episodes 1 – 3. They’re supposed to be watched backwards. It’s the only way they make any sense…

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


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