My Letter To Marion Barry

Dear Councilman Barry:

It has come to my attention that you’re looking for a new director of communications. I understand that the position is “not for the faint of heart.” Needless to say, since there are currently no boomerang fish tosser or lion tamer positions open in my area, I’m submitting my name for consideration.

Let’s get a few things out in the open before I continue. I hope you won’t hold it against me that I’m Caucasian. (I suppose it’s better than being one of those so-called “dirty Asians,” you know.) I’m also a Libertarian who despises Tammany Hall-style crony politics. But you know, sometimes the best matches in politics are made between those with different ideologies (James Carlin and Marlee Matlin leap to mind), so bear with me here.

Councilman, I know you’ve had your share of troubles over the years, from stalking to DUI to tax evasion. Some folks might say that’s a kind of Triple Crown for crooked politicians, but I’m in the minority here. I believe the past is the past. You, sir, are 76 years old. You need to sit back, relax, and do whatever it is 76-year-old councilmen do. (Somehow I don’t think it involves golfing.) Let me handle all the hard stuff, including spin doctoring as needed.

Why should you pick me, when you’re likely to get thousands of applicants? What sets me apart?

I am the original Excuse Master. Forget Ferris Bueller or Joliet Jake…I can get the most stern and determined headmaster, congressman or reporter to eat out of my hand like a park pigeon. I’ve heard it said that Aspies can’t lie well. Sir, I could win an Academy Award for some of the lying I’ve done over the years. I suppose the word “lying” seems harsh…maybe we can talk about this when and if I get the job. “Alternate history” might be an option. Also, it’s never lying if nobody ever finds out. I consider myself an expert in cover-ups and sleight of hand. I might tell you I worked for the boys over in Langley, but it’s a part of my past I’d like to forget. And you, of all people, can surely understand that.

You should also strongly consider me as a candidate because of my extensive background in improv. I think on my feet; I’m articulate and have no need for a TelePrompter. Since you, sir, seem to have a terminal case of, pardon the expression here, Foot in Mouth Disease, you need a communications director who’ll make you sound good. Not only am I adept at the spoken word, but I have a flair for the written side of things. Hillary Clinton even liked my essay in high school, and it was written from a Libertarian perspective.

Of course, the posting specified one would have to move to the D.C. area. I’m not crazy about this part, especially since you’d barely be paying a living wage, but I suppose I’d get used to it. I’m not about getting rich when I can be doing the public such a good service. Which, in this case, is preventing you, sir, from making any more bad, ahem, cracks.

If I get bored at your office, surely the Langley guys will have something for me to do on the side.

I’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.

~”Howling Mad” Heather

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on May 12, 2012.