8 Reasons Why ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Isn’t For Me

If I wrote like that, I’d use a pseudonym too. ~from an Amazon customer one-star review of Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey has become unavoidable for me. Not to actually read it, mind you, but at work the damn thing is ubiquitous. Every day I have some nice little old lady calling in asking to be put on the list of ten kajillion other patrons who want to read it (because it was on the Today show, it has to be good, right?)

Wrong. I usually don’t make this judgment on a book I personally haven’t read, but in this case it’s the truth. I picked up a library copy just to see if I was missing anything. I wasn’t. Bad writing, typos, poor grammar, and softcore porn that sounds worse than some of the fanfic I wrote in middle school. And that was just a random flip to the middle of the book.

I have, however, read a lot of the reviews surrounding the book and its two sequels. I feel obligated as a librarian to know what my patrons are reading and why they find it so appealing. This one is more of a mystery. It’s not as if we don’t have similar titles already on the shelf (heck, I’ve seen The Story of O and Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty trilogy get checked out many times). But in the end Fifty Shades is the equivalent of a blowsy woman living in a trailer park who suddenly wins the Mega Millions draw. It’s just a lightning strike in the right place at the right time…and I have no doubt its star will fade eventually.

I’ve actually had a few patrons suggest I might be jealous of author E.L. James’ sudden success. Perhaps in some reptilian way I am, but as a writer, my primary goal is to write quality, not quantity. I write because I want to be proud of my work, not because I want thousands of sexually repressed women to buy my book and give it to all their friends for book club. Although if some literary agent wanted to buy my A-Team fanfic stories, change the names of the characters, and mass-produce the result, that might be an offer I couldn’t refuse.

The real reasons I refuse to jump on the Fifty Shades bandwagon:

#1. Consider the source material.

The novels were originally written as a series of fanfics based upon Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful Twilight novels, which fail to appeal to me at all. If I want to read books about helpless female protagonists with no appealing qualities, I’ll find some 19th century bodice-rippers.

#2. I’m not into romance, even the “tame” kind.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m no prude, but when I read a good book, I’m looking for an action-packed plot, well-drawn characters, and a vivid setting. If there is sex, usually it has to be organic to any of the above (A Game of Thrones comes to mind.) If I want to just witness kinky sex acts, I can get enough of that without having to buy a badly-written book.

#3. There’s fantasy, and then there’s complete non-believability.

If being a slightly awkward female virgin with weird hair who bit her lip was all it took to get a rich, handsome billionaire interested in her, no doubt I’d be married to Donald Trump by now. I don’t buy that for a minute.

#4. Coming from an AS standpoint, the BDSM stuff does nothing for me.

Supposedly Fifty Shades breaks new ground when it comes to women’s fantasies. I’ve never had fantasies about any kind of kinky stuff, unless you count the time I thought about asking the site mascot to jump in the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit with me.

#5. Generally I don’t read things just because lots of other people are reading them too.

Hey, it’s a form of rebellion. I still haven’t read anything by James Patterson or Nora Roberts. Not because I harbor ill feelings toward either, but there’s much better stuff out there. With rare exceptions (Harry Potter), books I really enjoy never make it to the bestseller lists.

#6. The A-Team effect on me.

If there isn’t a car chase, a shootout, an aerial dogfight, swordplay, pirates, ninjas, and/or a helicopter exploding, it’s hard to keep my interest these days.

#7. I have so much else to read.

Seriously…if you were trying to read a book on quantum physics, the Song of Ice and Fire, Sartre, and Confucius’ Analects all at once, would you want to add a glorified Harlequin romance to the mix?

#8. I’ve already seen the parody version and it made me laugh. A LOT.

If you haven’t seen it yet, here it is. I highly recommend it.

For any of my readers who’ve read Fifty Shades of Grey, what did you think? If you’re going to read it or not, why or why not?

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on July 9, 2012.