8 Things That Should Never Be Advertised On TV

I do not read advertisements. I would spend all my time wanting things. ~Franz Kafka

In this recession economy I’ve cut back on a lot of things. Not just the obvious (my stable of Ferraris, my LearJet and my cabana boy named Paolo) but the little things. TV was first on the chopping block. The idiot box and I have a troubled relationship to start with. It wants to make me more of a consumer. If I obeyed its siren song, before long I’d look like one of those futuristic Weebles from the movie WALL-E.

And what is TV these days but mediocre shows punctuated by ever more ads? Yes, I know about DVR and the controversial ad blockers. However, I have neither the money nor the patience to bother with either one. If, on that rare occasion when I do sit down to watch a baseball game, I’m stuck watching ads for everything from cholesterol medications to drain cleaner. And it’s also an election year in the US, meaning I also have to endure the shameless pandering of candidates who already won’t get my vote.

Some people say ads are all-American. The companies wouldn’t advertise if a market didn’t exist for their product or service. I tend to agree with Kafka: all the ads do is create artificial demand. Would I crave a specialty gourmet tea if a bright, shiny spokesperson didn’t tell me about it? I’d probably just want my same old boring chamomile blend.

That being said, I’ve narrowed down my list of ad taboos to eight. I realize this will never happen, but if I were in charge for the FCC for just one day, I’d make damn sure it did. These are the ads of nightmares, of shattered dreams and the decline and fall of America. And I’m sure you’ll recognize at least one of your least favorites.

Ads that should never be allowed on television (or anywhere else, for that matter):

#1: Politics, no matter what party or special interest group

Remember when politicians actually won over voters through intelligent discussion, thoughtful rhetoric and gentlemanly conduct? Neither do I. Instead, we now have to suffer through months of thirty-second mudslinging soundbites that are supposed to somehow change our minds. I’d like to skip all that and just have the bastards fight to the death one month before the election a la The Hunger Games. At least we’d know the last person standing was a tough customer, and it would save a lot of taxpayer money.

#2: E.D. medications

Reason #891 why I’m glad I’m not a mom? Not having to explain to my son or daughter during an afternoon ballgame what erectile dysfunction is and why it is being mentioned during what used to be family hour. I despise all ads for prescription medicines, but these are the worst of a bad lot. (You’ll notice the ads never show the kinds of overweight, pasty guys who usually need the stuff in the first place.)

#3: Feminine hygiene products

I almost went with toilet paper here. It’s the same basic idea. We know what these products do. We don’t need ads to tell us. If we’re raised right we never even talk about them above a nervous whisper. On those rare occasions when we’re torn between Kotex and Stayfree, we’ll flip a coin or see who has the better coupon. We won’t do a test where we pour some magical blue liquid to see which one absorbs more.

#4: Creepy children’s dolls

As a whole I’m against ads targeting children. The poor tykes aren’t old enough to know they don’t really need some piece of plastic made by Chinese sweatshop workers, so let ’em stay ignorant. These are the ads that not only launched a million consumers in training, but (at least for me) a million nightmares.

#5: Organized religion

I’m pretty sure that if Jesus showed up today, he wouldn’t like the idea of his likeness being hawked around like a postcard or a souvenir mini baseball bat. I place religion into the category of politics: it’s just not something you talk to strangers about until you develop a level of trust. I also doubt Jesus would like the idea of spending millions of dollars on slick TV ads which might otherwise feed and clothe those in need.

#6: Any product “As Seen On TV!”

Some of these products might actually be useful. Personally I think most of them are the kind of things you get at a White Elephant sale, use once or twice, then sell at the yard sale two years later for a quarter. (Seriously, when was the last time you used your Sno-Cone maker or Pasta Perfect?)

#7: Coronaries on a plate

With obesity, heart disease and diabetes at all-time highs, I vote to permanently get rid of these caloric bombs. Don’t get me wrong, I like to treat myself once in a while, but judging by these kinds of ads, there are no fat people anywhere in the world. At least not in the vicinity of the local fast food joint.

#8. Any non-pet-related product using puppies to sell itself

Wanna sell diapers? Show some fluffy golden retriever puppies with a baby. Car insurance? Puppies. Colostomy bags? By Jove, I bet you could sell those with puppies. I’m sorry, but puppies are so shamelessly cute, they should be restricted to dog food and rawhide bones. They don’t know they’re selling something abjectly distasteful, do they?

What are your least favorite ads on TV? Any limits you think should be set the way some countries have? Lemme hear ya!

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on July 18, 2012.