A Tale Told By an Idiot (Me)


“My needs are simple and few, thought Valentine. Food. Clothing. A comfortable place to sleep. And no idiots. But of course a world with no idiots would be lonely. If she herself were even allowed there.” ~Orson Scott Card

I feel like a complete idiot today.

It was the case of a big “D’oh!”, a plan that didn’t come together, of months of careful planning flushed down the crapper. The kind of night that feels as if a piano of preposterous proportions has been dropped upon my soul. In short, I made a simple mistake with unintended consequences.

I’m a bloody idiot and I’m freely admitting it for all my readers.

It isn’t a feeling I enjoy. Normally I relish being measured, controlled, wise, rational and prudent. One of my great flaws, in fact, is my tendency to look out at the vast majority of humanity (or at least the types who end up on People of Wal-Mart) and ask, “How the hell can they be so idiotic?” Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that my hubris often gets the better of me.

Which is why, in some way, I feel grateful for my colossal boo-boo. It reminds me that I am fallible and that I make mistakes like everyone does. For a perfectionist like me that’s the hardest thing in the world to admit. As an Aspie, who sees things in such stark shades of black and white, it’s even harder.

So I look back on my life and realize one thing: though I haven’t made any really glaring mistakes like a quickie Vegas wedding or a tattoo of Tweety Bird on my butt, I’ve erred more than a few times. And I’ll freely admit them for my readers. Consider it, if you will, a sort of Confession for Idiocy.

* My freshman year in college when I thought it was a Really Good Idea to drive north in a snowstorm with no idea where the hell I was going…and use Mom and Dad’s “emergency” credit card for an impromptu hotel stay.

* Letting my beauty-school dropout friend give me a “punk” haircut. (Hint: military recruits had more hair than I did at the end.)

* Spending a month’s rent on a posterboard signed by a C-list actor at a convention. I had a huge crush on said actor at the time, and love makes us do stupid things.

* “Investing” several thousand dollars in a water-treatment system for my house. I wouldn’t recommend one of these money-eating clunkers to my worst enemy.

* Thinking sharing a dorm room with my “best buddy” would be a great idea. Never share a room with your friend. You’ll thank me later.

* Not listening to my dad when he gave me the Car Care 101 lecture. Who knew that knowing where the oil went might have prevented my car from exploding on the interstate one day?

* Dating someone twice my age. Yes, I was young. Yes, I didn’t know any better. But it’s a lesson I couldn’t have learned any other way.

How about you, my dear readers? What stupid (or not so stupid) decisions have you made in your life?

Congratulations to Piper Bayard and her Tribute, River, for winning the first annual P&Q Hunger Games! Also want to offer my congratulations to Patrick Thunstrom who won the Viewers’ Prize in a random drawing. I’ll be in touch with you guys very soon with your prize information. Thanks to everyone who participated…it was fun and I may do it again next year. May the odds be ever in your favor!

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on October 8, 2012.

13 Responses to “A Tale Told By an Idiot (Me)”

  1. When I worked for a dealership I had a salesman ask me to go to the station and gas up the truck. To make a long story short; come to find out the truck was an F350 Powerstroke and I immediately earned the nickname “Diesel” since that day until I quit.

    This next one you might want to swallow what you are eating or drinking or put down any sharp objects that you might have in your hands.

    When I worked for a certain retail chain I worked in paper goods/household chemicals. Now let me preference this before I get further on, our school system when I was a kid thought sex-ed was a great thing for us, but failed to educate the guys on certain things we should know that we might not know or remember to ask a relative about.

    This little old lady walks up to me and asks,

    “Excuse me sir, could you show me where the sanitary napkins are?”

    “Sure!” I reply and take her around to the other side of the isle where the napkins are and I go back to what I was doing. Five minutes later the same little old lady comes back over to me, asks the same thing, I take her to where I think she needs to be and go back to what I was working on. About two minutes later the same little old lady comes back, pretty annoyed, and asks loudly,

    “SIR! Could you please show me where the sanitary napkins are!”

    Again I walk back over, point to where the napkins are, vehemently this little old lady shouts at full volume,

    “NO! THESE ARE NOT SANITARY NAPKINS! WHERE ARE THE SANITARY NAPKINS!”

    “Like what?” I reply.

    “LIKE COTEX!”

    I point in the direction of the correct department and shout,

    “HEALTH AND BEAUTY!”

    Of course I make the mistake of telling this to the tall, amazon (sorry, the girl was pretty damn huge and I don’t mean that as an insult) readhead that worked in automotive during our break. Needless to say she couldn’t stop laughing at that for a week.

  2. Reblogged this on Words From The Heretic and commented:
    We all make gaffs at times, we are human.

  3. So funny!
    I have made all sorts of bad decisions, but hey, I survived so its all good….

  4. Thank you, Heather, for running such a wonderful Hunger Games. I would now like to see an actual Hunger Games with our political candidates. River will whip them into shape. πŸ™‚

    When it comes to stupid, I’ve really outdone myself at times. From men to car purchases to getting lost in foreign cities and talking to strangers. Never keen on losing, I long ago embraced the idea that you win some and learn some, but as long as you do one of those, you don’t lose.

  5. […] you ever done something stunningly stupid? Heather Konik confesses. A Tale Told By an Idiot (Me)Β My thanks to Heather for having the Superhero Hunger Games. My nominee, River from Firefly, took […]

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