Dear Mickey D’s…

For an adult, eating alone at McDonald’s is admitting a kind of defeat. ~Jonathan Carroll

Dear McDonald’s:

Let me start by introducing myself. I used to be a loyal customer, if you describe loyalty as a once-weekly visit. I can’t offer any explanation other than my busy lifestyle and my borderline addiction to your hazelnut iced coffee which is cheaper than Starbucks. However, I have a few proverbial bones to pick with you, and I’m not talking about that bit of dodgy gristle in the last McDouble I ordered.

First and foremost, where the hell did you find most of your current employees? I understand times are tough and you only want to pay minimum wage in terrible conditions with no benefits, but, c’mon. I know there are friendly, diligent, honest people out there looking for work. Find them. I’ve gotten better customer service from prison wardens and New Jersey toll collectors than I’ve gotten from your workers as of late. On a bad day, I’ll just get a glare and a surly grunt from whomever is taking my order. So much for “have a nice day,” huh? And on the good days, when I do bother to thank one of these employees, I typically get “No problem” instead of the customary “You’re welcome.” Since when was I a problem to begin with? If I’m not mistaken, customers are the engine that drive your corporation.

I’ve also noticed that recently you’re posting the nutritional data for your food on the big board. I realize America is trying to get healthier and all that, but this isn’t doing anything except guilt-tripping people and, I’m guessing, cutting into your profit margins. I can treat myself to a fish sandwich or a McFrappe every week or so because I, you know, actually stay healthy the rest of that week. The majority of your customers…have you seen them lately? The only exercise they probably get is their waddle back and forth to their cars with a Big Mac Value Meal in hand. They’re honestly not going to care whether their food has 300 calories or 3000. So cut the crap already and stop pretending that you’re actually a healthy eating establishment. You might as well replace Ronald McDonald with a talking Surgeon General mannequin. We get it already. Everybody dies of something, and if I want to die of a cholesterol-based coronary, then by God, nothing is going to stop me.

And one more thing, oh mighty Mickey D’s. I actually used to enjoy treating myself to your food every now and then. It wasn’t gourmet cooking but it was a tasty guilty pleasure. Call it the culinary equivalent of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. But somewhere down the line, something went terribly wrong. Remember that one scene in Falling Down where Michael Douglas goes to the burger joint and rants about how the burgers look nothing like they do on TV? Yeah, that’s how I feel. I realize it’s the same comparison as brushing your hair for a couple minutes as opposed to spending hours in a salon, but can’t you make the burger sort of resemble the one on TV? Not to mention the taste. Last time I choked down one of your sandwiches, I wished I’d just saved myself the trouble and eaten the cardboard box from my granola bars. It would have tasted better and I’d have gotten a little fiber out of it. Considering most of your meat probably comes (or once came) from factory farms, it’s not surprising.

You also need to get rid of your dippy commercials. They’re supposed to be cute. They’re not. Then again, it could be worse: they could feature Ronald McDonald.

Just be sure to let me know next time you bring back the McRib and/or the peppermint mochas. I’m on those things like a vulture on a dead deer.

Sincerely, a slightly disgruntled,

“Howling Mad” Heather

What’s been your experience at McDonalds (or any other fast-food place?) What beef (pardon the pun) do you have with them?


~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on October 27, 2012.

6 Responses to “Dear Mickey D’s…”

  1. The nutritional listings are actually a legislated requirement. McDonalds has no choice but to post it.
    As far as people not caring about, well, I guess it’s just the difference between not knowing and not caring. (Though it’s kind of frightening that some of their salads have more calories than the sandwiches.

    And in closing,I have two words:
    Burger King. Mmmmmm…

  2. I’ve never been a big fan of fast food. But sometimes eating at McDonalds is inevitable, especially in South Africa where cheap dining-out options (especially after 6 or 7 in the evening) can be quite limited if you don’t plan ahead. I’ve discovered that the quality of the food at McDonalds here seems slightly better than in the US, and the service is better too. (More unemployed people to choose from, I guess.) But one thing remains the same: While I’m eating a McDonalds meal, it always tastes good. But once I finish I am completely unsatisfied. I always feel like I want to go right out and eat something else. It’s weird, as one would think it should be the exact opposite.

  3. McDonalds is good for highway stops. Not much else though. I never eat anything from there normally.

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


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