An Interview with H.M. Murdock

Murdock, the one and only

I’d like to thank H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock for taking time out of his busy schedule to sit down for an interview. In addition to his honorary duties as site mascot here at P&Q, he is an accomplished pilot, skilled commando, and certified lunatic. Welcome!

Good of you guys to have me. So, where’s the Twinkies?

We ordered some flown in direct from the factory. It must be a special treat since they were out of production there for a while.

Yeah. It was rough, like when they stopped makin’ Crystal Pepsi. Or when my invisible hamster escaped that one time…

Let’s get started. I asked my readers to submit questions for you, so I’ll present them in the order in which they were asked. One of them even received a prize.

They’re not gonna ask that one about boxers or briefs, are they?

I think not. That’s for the interview with Faceman.

Perfect, because I only ever gird my loins with funny animals.

OK, let’s get back on topic. Our first question is from Kathleen of Parenthesis Photography:

“What was your childhood like?”

It’s hard to say for sure with this intermittent memory loss, y’know? I do remember when my mom died when I was five, and my dad never came back from the war, so I went to live with my Grandma and Grandpa. They were all right as old folks go but I don’t think they really knew what to do with a kid who bounced off the walls like I did. School was kinda boring and I had to take a lot of tests. They couldn’t figure out whether I was really smart or really slow. For the longest time I wanted to be a cowboy, or an astronaut, or a baseball player, or maybe a cowboy who worked part-time for NASA and pitched for the Red Sox. All in all it was pretty happy, with very few spankings and lots of laughs.

Cassandra has several questions for you.

Is she a fan of mine?

I suppose she is. Number one, “If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be, and why?”

A spoon, of course, ’cause I love stirring things up! Plus I’d get dipped in all kinds of delicious stuff, and licked a lot. I like getting licked.

Umm…maybe that’s too much information, Captain. But I see no way around it, since Cassandra’s next question is “Innie or outie?”

I’m an in sorta guy, but I can always let my really crazy side OUT, if you know what I mean. Grandma always used to say “Better out than in,” and I really never knew what the poor ol’ dear meant. And now she’s dead and I can’t ask her.

I’m sorry to hear that. This should make you smile, though, as her final question to you is, “If you could have a year-long supply of any food, what would it be, and why?”

Can I say Twinkies? Are they really back? If not, then I’ll go with those Number 2 pencils. Delicious, piquant, with just a hint of that lovely cedary aftertaste. They even have erasers on the end so you can have a bit of dessert. Not just that, they’re good to have around for standardized tests. I always wondered why other people didn’t like ’em the way I did. By the way, can I have that yummy pencil when you’re done with it?

Of…course you can. You might need it to answer this next question, submitted by Rose of Butimbeautiful. “If you read your book very fast backwards, would it summon the Antichrist?”

?ecin taht t’nsI .setontoof eht ni “REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM” nettirw sah enoemos dna ,hO .tnioppasid ot yrroS .tsirhcitnA eht tuoba ereht ni gnihton s’ereht tub “,epyt ytilanosrep lanoisuled” dna “seicnednet cinerhpozihcs” tuoba gnihtemos syas siht…ereh ees s’teL

Was that English?

I guess. It’s hard to tell with this silly book.

Sidney also has a few questions for you, if you promise to answer intelligibly.

KO…I mean, OK, Roger Wilco that!

And she is a huge fan of yours, so please answer honestly. She’d like to know, “What were your marks like in school?”

Big, large print, kinda crayon-y. I always listened to that one teacher who told us to write neatly. And I never made any marks on the walls. I’m crazy, not slow.

That’s a good lead-in for Sidney’s next question: “Who was your favorite teacher, and why?”

There was a sweet lady named Miss Rose Chatelaine. She didn’t think I was so crazy, and she always brought home-baked chocolate chip cookies to class. Oh, and she looked like Olivia de Havilland. If Olivia had grown up in Texas and wore cowboy boots instead of slippers.

That’s so sweet. We all need teachers like that. Speaking of teaching, Sophia asks, “Have you ever offered to teach one of your fellow team members to fly, in case you ever need an extra set of hands?”

Well, we all know about B.A. and his aerophobia, so he’s out. As for Faceman and Hannibal? Maybe in a pinch, but I gotta be the number one pilot here. Otherwise I’d just be a superfluous crazy guy. I might have one of them up there with me just to harmonize with me on some Stones tunes, or hold my cotton candy while I run to the little pilots’ room.

Fair enough. Well, Captain, there’s just one more burning question I have to ask before you head home to the V.A.

Shoot for it!

Boxers or briefs?

All righty then, I’ll just assume you stick to funny animals and lucky rocketship underpants and leave it at that.

You do that.

Many thanks to all who participated in this “interview!” Look for another later this summer. Congrats to Cassandra, our winner, who gets a $20 gift card.

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on July 16, 2013.