Presenting:Fangirl Fantasy Dates!

Everyone says that his wife is an angel, but that is a real angel you are seeing there on the cameras. They won’t put that in the video, I don’t think.” ~Wikus van de Merwe, District 9

It’s that time of year again, fanboys and fangirls: Valentine’s Day! The time of year when greeting card manufacturers, candy magnates, and hothouse flower growers all get together and conspire to make all those of us who are single feel like yesterday’s cat litter. Now, we know that it’s actually an ancient pagan holiday put through the wringer of Judeo-Christian philosophy, then pounded out on the anvil of mass consumerism…right? We know we’re okay just the way we are, endlessly watching re-runs of our favorite shows, ordering Chinese takeout for one, and hanging out in cyberspace looking for that one-in-a-million connection. There could exist TARDISes and wormholes in this universe of ours. There could also exist nice guys who enjoy large IQs in women as opposed to other large objects. All things are possible, however remotely so.

Because this will be yet another V-day spent alone for me, I’m not going to let it bother me. I should no more feel guilty or ashamed for being single on that day as I should on Arbor Day, or United Nations Day, or Elvis Presley’s birthday. It’s a matter of perspective. Being single has its advantages, like not having to constantly cook, getting away with having a mismatched sock drawer, and nice quiet Friday evenings spent drawing or reading a good book.

But hey, who am I really kidding? I am still single, and I would like to meet The One before I get too much older. With over three billion human beings with XY chromosomes on this planet, there has to be at least one who’ll enjoy my company and my oddball sense of humor. I just haven’t met him yet. In the meantime, I do what every good fangirl does. I think about fictional characters with whom I’d like to share a pleasant evening. (This is to fangirls what Japanese manga schoolgirls are to some fanboys, okay?) God knows there’s been plenty of guys I’ve dreamed about over the years. These are the lucky blokes who made the cut. I’ve also come up with a hypothetical date with each one of them. Since this is a family-friendly blog, let’s assume this is a Disney movie and everyone is nice and squeaky-clean and lives happily ever after. Savvy? Here we go:

Bachelor #1: Brisco County, Jr. (The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.)

Why: He’s tough, wisecracking, a fast draw, has a really smart horse…and he’s played by Bruce Campbell.

The Date: Riding across a western landscape at full gallop, tracking escaped fugitives, then settling down for an evening under the stars, some strong cowboy coffee, and trading bounty hunter stories.

Bachelor #2: Draco (Xena: Warrior Princess)

Why: Who doesn’t love a warlord with a cunning mind, and one with an ethical streak? (You guys may be surprised I didn’t choose Joxer from this show. I think I’ve gotten over him, though it took a long time.)

The Date: Fighting a pitched duel over a blazing fire, then atop villagers’ heads…afterwards, laughing it all off while arm-wrestling and telling goofy jokes. Nightcap of root beer floats.

 Bachelor #3: Edison Carter (Max Headroom)

Why: OK…he looks a little like Murdock. But he’s also brave, amazingly intelligent, and will stop and nothing to get the truth. He’s also Max Headroom’s alter ego.

The Date: Going through the ruins of a city in search of the one person who holds secrets that will destroy corporations and powerful billionaires, then heading back to a nice restaurant for a steak dinner and having Max come on to sing some sort of old standard.


Bachelor #4: Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Why: For completeness’ sake, I had to include at least one Johnny Depp character on this list. Capt. Jack is crazy-good, devilishly handsome, and utterly without scruples. My kind of fantasy guy.

The date: Tortuga free-for-all with lots of rum, lying, betting over games of pool, and then setting sail for the one island where the rum runners left their secret stash.

Bachelor #5: John Galt (Atlas Shrugged)

Why: More an idea than a person, he represents the power of working to better oneself and is the central character in a novel that changed my life.

The Date: A nice quiet evening at an Art Deco restaurant, and answering the question “Who is John Galt?” once and for all.

Bachelor #6: Wikus van de Merwe (District 9)

Why: I had to get to him eventually. Yes, he’s a toadying, naive fool at the beginning of the movie, and yes, he’s married to a woman way out of his league…but she leaves him midway through, and he becomes fokken’ awesome.

The Date: Either a tour of Johannesburg with pre-mutated Wikus, followed by a picnic at sunset, or a frantic chase through D9 with Prawned Wikus, running for our lives from mercenaries and crazy gang members. Bliksem!

Bachelor #7: Qui-Gon Jinn (Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace)

Why: He’s a Jedi, and love is forbidden…but there’s an exception to every rule. And I love the fact that he’s a rebel.

The Date: A day watching, and betting on, pod races on Malastare, then a quick jaunt to Coruscant for cocktails out, then sitting on a 99th-story balcony with a sunset view. Lightsaber practice afterward.

Bachelor #8: Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride)

Why: With all that preparing to die and swordplay stuff, the guy is very attractive. I’m also a sucker for a guy with a cool accent.

The Date: Lots of practice duelling, horseback riding together, then a sunset dinner atop the Cliffs of Insanity. Let us not hope the Dread Pirate Roberts shows up.

Bachelor #9: Otto (A Fish Called Wanda)

Why: Deranged, unhinged, borderline psychotic…and wickedly funny at the same time. Plus, he reads Nietzsche for fun, though I’d have to educate him on what it actually means.

The Date: Something really offbeat in an exotic locale involving play-fighting. No, not that kind of play-fighting.

Bachelor #10: Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck (The A-Team)

Why: Murdock is my fantasy A-Team boyfriend the other 364 days of the year. Ol’ Faceman deserves his props.

The Date: I’d let him take me to one of his posh restaurants, then drive a ways up the coast in that flashy ‘Vette, then have him scam us a nice B&B for the night. Then I’d smuggle Murdock in after midnight.

I see London, I see France...

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on February 6, 2011.

One Response to “Presenting:Fangirl Fantasy Dates!”

  1. Aww that was cute! Good choices for your fantasy dates (I particularly like Murdock’s picture caption :D) I vaguely remember Draco as well. Good Johnny Depp choice, though I think I’d probably have picked either Axel from “Arizona Dream” or Tom Hanson from “21 Jump Street. Nice to see Face guy get some love 😉

    I don’t tend to feel bad on Valentine’s day for being single, mainly because me and my friends turned it into friendship day one year at Sixth Form and bought each other presents, so it just makes me think of that now lol.

    Great post again 😀

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abandonen toda esperanza aquellos que entren aqui


You - philosophical, thoughtful, witty. Me - still thinks fart jokes are funny. We should DEFINITELY get together!

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