Penny Dreadful, Meet KurrenC and Kash Mony


If names are not correct, language will not be in accordance with the truth of things. ~Confucius

So bad, even the cat had to look away

One reason I’m glad to work with the public? If they get on my bad side, I can sit back and silently ridicule them when they leave. Now, my workplace isn’t in the richest part of town, nor is it in the red-light district. Something in between. But, like the piles of malt liquor bottles and cigarette butts I tend to find in the morning, so too have I accumulated a pile of stupid first names.

I regret to say that somewhere, even as I write this, two kids are running around under the monikers “KurrenC” and her/his sibling, “Kash Mony.” No, I’m not kidding and I’m not drunk. Though the person who bestowed these choice names might have been. We even play a game at work: it’s always some variant of “Prescription Medication, Obscure Star Wars Character, or Real Name?” Hardly anyone ever wins. That’s how ludicrous some of these names are.

Hey, I remember that Seinfeld episode...

I’m not really talking about last names (some of which, like my own, sound goofy when pronounced the Old Country way) or even oddball but established names, like Hildegard or Egbert, that might be tributes to long-dead ancestors. I’m talking at the names that appear to have been plucked out of thin air. (Yes, I’m looking at YOU, Pilot Inspektor.) Sometimes I ask myself if the parents flipped randomly through a dictionary (N’Vious), their family bible (Thessalonians, whoo-hoo) or the ingredient list on their Capri Sun. In fact, I did come across an otherwise charming young lady called Dextrose. Perhaps it was supposed to be Dexter Rose and just ran together. I have no idea.

I shouldn’t be mistaken for one of these stuffy types who thinks every kid should be called James or Elizabeth, though. I own several name books, which are indispensible in naming characters in fiction. I think it’s cool when a kindergarten class has an Akiko and a Demarcus and a Wendelin. All of which are either based in tradition or variants on some other established name. That’s the key. Many studies have shown that employers will almost always select an equally qualified Maria over Luscious Juicyfruit. Or Princess, or K’Dawg, or Billy Ray. The cutesy names should be left as nicknames. Or, if you’re dead-set on using them, use them for a dog or cat.

Maybe I shouldn’t even care about names. I’m not a parent and don’t plan on being one any time soon. The people my own age who do have young children have mostly veered clear of anything I’d call controversial (however, little Anakin is going to be in for a hard time once he starts school.) For the record, if I ever become a parent, Ellen and Marcus remain my top picks. Boring, maybe, but easy to spell and pronounce.

Sounds like a bad Simpsons joke

But if I might give today’s parents-to-be a bit of advice, let it be this. Think long and hard about what you want your child’s name to be. Think like a fourth-grader would and rule out anything that might rhyme with anything remotely stupid or gross. Consider initials…Priscilla Irene Greer could be in for a rough ride. Also stop and think about your child graduating from college. Will he or she be taken seriously by the medical admissions board? Will his or her clients snigger every time they hear “Pepsi” or “Quendralick?” Does the name sound more like a future engineer, or an adult entertainer? There’s a lot of consideration there. Also, please be sober when making this important decision.

As for little KurrenC and Kash Mony, I have no doubt their future as sibling rap stars is assured. Or something like that. If they later want to become Amelia and Antonio, though, I’ll gladly chip in a few bucks.

What’s the craziest/silliest/most horrifying first name you ever heard? The one that made you laugh unintentionally? Send it to wikusandmurdock@yahoo.com and it might appear in a future edition of P&Q. Don’t forget to click “Like” and subscribe so you’ll never miss your daily insanity fix.

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~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on October 4, 2011.

2 Responses to “Penny Dreadful, Meet KurrenC and Kash Mony”

  1. “Latrina” (whose teacher didn’t have the heart to tell her or her parents the meaning of ‘latrine’)
    “Lovedeep Saran” (still just in the first name, too!)
    frank zappa’s kids are dweezle and moonbeam (or something like it), i believe.
    lol, parents should sometimes have their licence-to-name-children revoked.

  2. The line about the Capri Sun ingredient list caught me unawares; I’ll be giggling to myself over it for days now… 🙂

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