Your Burning Questions: Answered!

Are you sure you want to suffer the tortures of the memories of a lost love?

~Lucy Van Pelt, “Peanuts”

A long time ago, I almost took the job as the amateur advice columnist for our school paper. In the end I didn’t. It wasn’t because I couldn’t write or wasn’t creative enough. It was because my approach was something like this:

Instead of doling out advice to the lovelorn, the lost, the addicted and the hopeless, I always pictured myself as the wise woman on top of a mountain whom pilgrims journeyed to find just so they could ask about Life, the Universe, and Everything. Or, at the very least, where to find the best Chinese food and whom to bet on for the Lions-Bears game. I’d be a cross between Yoda and that shady tipster at the racetrack with a little Morgan le Fay thrown in.

What I want to do is this: answer your questions. They can be as off the wall as you please. What’s in it for you? Everyone who asks me a question between now and next Wednesday, Feb. 21, will not only get an answer, but have the chance to have his/her blog featured prominently at P&Q in a future edition. That’s, like, free advertising, ya know?

Since I don’t have any questions to answer yet, I figured I’d start by giving answers to the random questions which sometimes clog up my spam folder. Just to give you a random preview of the services I offer, capisce? Oh, and all of this is free. I’m a woman of the people and I’m doing this pro bono, which I think is Latin for “in favor of loving U2.” The doctor/guru/Answer Lady is in, baby.

“Will I ever find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy?”

It depends…are we watching the uncut, pre-Special Edition stuff where Han shoots first, Jabba the Hutt doesn’t appear until Return of the Jedi and nobody bursts into a needless CGI  boogie? If so, then no, you won’t.

“Snape, where’s my hat?”

I suggest asking Severus in person. And he’s been in a pissy mood recently, so exercise some caution.

“Does anyone else think Nala from The Lion King is hot?”

According to the infallible Rule 34, the answer must necessarily be “yes.” However, I am of the hetero, non-furry, anthropocentric persuasion, so I’ll go with “no.” I did think she was kinda cute for a cartoon lioness, however.

“What sort of employment is best for an Aspie?”

There have been entire books written about this subject. The usual answers are “night auditor,” “freelance writer,” “forest ranger,” and other non-social occupations. However, I’m going with “cleaner.” If you don’t get the joke, you’re at the wrong blog.

“Is Dwight Schultz in Stephen King’s The Stand?”

It’s Matt Frewer. Who looks a lot like Dwight Schultz. So there.

“What sort of accent did the prawns have in District 9?”

Um…a clicking accent? Xhosa? Bushman? Hard to say for sure. The humans mostly had Afrikaner accents.

“Whatever happened to Baby Jane’s rat?”

He grew up, had his brain enlarged, found a dim-witted sidekick, and still aspires to take over the world.

“Would Jesus beat Godzilla in a fight?”

I have no idea, but I’d pay at least $59.95 on pay-per-view just to find out.

“Can I get away with wearing balloon pants?”

If you are a sane human being who values your masculinity in the least, I think you know the answer.

“What is thy bidding, my master?”

I want a large pepperoni pizza and a beer. Oh, and some chocolates. Make it snappy.

“Why is Santa Claus so scary?”

If you’re like me and you’ve seen A Christmas Story 476,000 times, you should already know. If you don’t, you owe yourself to find out.

“Why do geeks and nerds like The Princess Bride so much?”

It’s like a secret code among the geeky. It’s hard to explain to a non-geek. Really, TPB is the most perfectly geeky movie ever made. Inconceivable!

So, P&Q Rangers, if you’ve got a question just begging to be answered…personal, political, pop culture, or otherwise, what are you waiting for? I’m all ears!

Enjoyed this post? You know what to do…click “Like” and add P&Q to your subscription list and blogroll so you’ll never miss another exciting episode!

~ by Howlin' Mad Heather on February 15, 2012.